Sailing for misadventures
by Aoi24
Summary: OPfanforall, small challenges and fics that don't warrant seperate entries. Anything goes. Crack, humour, AU, death, violence and potential Garp so consider yourself warned. Anything goes so don't give me that look.
1. The Little Black Dress

Disclaimer: I own nothing, Oda does and for that the world is eternally grateful. :D

Okay, this is a series of one-shots, drabbles and insane sugar fueled travesties inspired by OPfanforall prompts.

In fact, all prompts come from there, no matter how loosely I interpret them so if you see one that tickles your fancy, go for it. XD

Completely crack because that's clearly how I roll.

I haven't abandoned any of my other stories by any means they just take a lot longer to write.

I have later chapters for some of my fics ready to roll but I'm not finished with the due chapter so….'Grraaagh'. :P

This only took me less than an hour (and it shows) so I figured I might as well post some of these.

* * *

Prompt:

"Some how Luffy ends up in a little black dress + high heels. How? Why? And the others reactions? And by others I mean the crew and anyone else who happens to see it."

* * *

Zoro sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose again. Why him? There must have been a million other crews that would have welcomed a swordsman of his calibre but no, he had to go to Shell Town and meet Luffy.

He paused to glare at Brooke who had the grace to look embarrassed although how a skeleton managed to communicate this emotion was beyond comprehension

Naturally, in his most trustworthy opinion, nobody else was any help whatsoever.

Nami had taken one look at Luffy and retired citing a headache while Robin smiled and laughed mysteriously which was her way of saying if she did decide to help it would only be in some way to increase her personal entertainment.

Sanji was immediately put under Choppers care as he suffered through traumatic flashbacks to his time in the Okama kingdom while hugging his favourite frying pan and repeating his 'I love women' mantra ad infinitum.

Usopp had miraculously steered clear of _this_ particular misadventure through spending the day assisting Franky with another 'mysterious' and 'SUPER' project for the Sunny. Once they had seen what was going on and the look on Zoros' face they quickly retreated back into the workshop deciding that it was one of those things where it was best just not to get involved.

Which left those that Zoro was damn well going to blame for this whole debacle.

* * *

I mean, they had absolutely no bloody excuse for the whole thing, it wasn't as if Bon-chan or Iva-chan were anywhere within fifty miles although it smacked of something Bon would think of and if Iva was involved it would have been a _hell_ of a lot more…convincing.

Where they managed to find a dress for Brooke was beyond him but it strangely suited him with the high neck, multiple ruffles and outdated bustle. In fact, you would be forgiven for thinking it was something like what Brookes' mother would look like.

(Zoro immediately dismissed those thoughts as nauseating and nightmare-inducing)

Luffy looked…….good? Or at least with his lanky frame and slim body he could get away with it a lot better than someone like Zoro could.

His first mate personally felt that it wasn't the dress in itself that was so bad (not really too different from robes men wore on some islands) but it was those bloody high heels that crossed the line.

* * *

Zoro took a deep breath and summoned his limited patience.

"Tell me again Luffy, _why_ are you wearing a dress?"

Luffy grinned and adjusted his hat, not at all bothered by the draft from the rather flattering black frock draped around his lanky frame.

"You remember that reeeeeally awesome tavern we visited when we got here?"

Zoro nodded slowly, they usually made a point of eating out at least once one every island.

"Well, it turns out that girls are free on Tuesdays!!"

"Luffy.......you're not a girl."

"Pffft. We got free meat so I don't think they knew that."

And Zoro was back to pinching the bridge of his nose again.

"Luffy, you're an infamous pirate with a 300 million bounty. You could have just jumped out on the bill anyway."

His Captain blinked cluelessly and tilted his head to the side.

"?"

Zoro whirled on Brooke

"Was this your idea idiot-skeleton?"

"Yo-ho-ho-ho-ho. I'm afraid not Zoro-san. This was all the Captains' idea. He may have gotten the idea from our okama friends."

Luffy blinked and stared at Zoro watching the vein pulse dangerously in his forehead which was kinda cool but he was getting a bad feeling from watching it.

This feeling was confirmed when Zoro grabbed them both by the neck and dragged them over to the rail before slamming their heads into the wood.

"So what," he hissed dangerously "do you suggest we do about them?"

Luffy peered down onto the dock to see a rather large crowd of men clutching bundles of flowers, chocolates, jewelery, expensive trinkets and hey, that guy had an enormous plate of meat!!

Zoro ground his knuckles into the rubber skull.

"They seem to believe that you're a REAL woman…..apart from the guys in drag, they just _don't care_. The Log is set and we're leaving soon so get rid of your admirers before we set sail or _I'll _deal with them. Now go change."

Luffy did the wise thing for once and pounded off to reclaim his vest and shorts.

Brooke yo-ho-ho-ed and prepared to follow only to be halted by the reappearance of Nami with a determined expression on her face.

* * *

"And you promise to make sure that Luffyko-hime will receive my gift?"

"Of course! Yo-ho-ho-ho. A lady always properly receives all gifts and gives thanks politely. Ah, excuse me ~ ffffft."

The man quickly left and allowed the next applicant to speak to Madame Monkey, the mother of the _divine_ Luffyko-chwan.

Funnily enough, none of them noticed the aura of greed emanating from the orange haired woman on the deck.

Luffy didn't actually receive any of the gifts because Nami sorted through them and sold what she didn't want……..except for the meat. That Sanji cooked on the provisio that Luffy and Brooke burned the dresses and promised _never ever_ to do anything like it again.


	2. Morbid Buddies

So I realised that I loved Law and have not written near enough with him.

Although I have certainly hinted at some RobinXLaw action in one of my 30 sentences and realised that the man was EPIC!! (And some LawxNami, RobinxLucci etc…)

(Then I calmed down and realised that this was par for the course with _everyone_ touched by the mighty pen of Oda.)

I thought I should mention that I did not actually participate in fanforall, I'm just attempting some of the prompts….as loosely as I feel like. ~Mmfufufu.

And seriously AU because Alternative Universes call to me like the siren call of the release of the newest chapter of One Piece ;)

This prompt was already done by someone else and they did it so well that I'm madly jealous but trying desperately not to copy. If I do, please forgive me. The scenario is nearly identical but everything else is different plus I have _back-story_.

*sparkles*

* * *

Robin and Trafalgar Law become best friends when they realize that Law can separate guys' dicks from them, and Robin can make it look like they have a vagina.

Then they giggle in the corner while the guys freak out.

* * *

Zoro gritted his teeth and snarled inwardly. God knows he loved Luffy as a brother and would follow the man into hell but why in the name of everything shiny, sharp and pointed on this god-forsaken sea did he have to be such a _trusting idiot_!!!

That woman…..she was a former crony of Crocodile and Luffy was willing to accept her just. Like. That.

That stupid ero-cook was a lost cause from the get go and she had quickly bought off the witch. Usopp quickly lost what determination he had when she offered her devil fruit abilities to play with them and soon all three youngest members of the crew were rolling around guffawing.

She had snuck aboard and penetrated their defences, quickly sweeping aside all resistance until it was only the two of them left.

Zoro quickly turned to the final member of their crew beseechingly but the man only smiled politely and adjusted his nodachi against his shoulder.

"Welcome aboard Miss All-Sunday" Law demurred and Zoro began to bang his head against the mast in frustration.

__

Trafalgar Law was not the sort to talk about himself. Of all his crewmates only Luffy and Zoro knew his full story and the straw-hatted one was utterly uninterested in repeating it. The only thing he admitted was that 'it has nothing to do with it anything so there's no need to say it all again.'

Law was an amiable guy and had, by this stage, proved himself a loyal member of their crew……as long as you didn't try to order him around because that _really _pissed him off and in the beginning it had very nearly led to an **extremely** violent and bloody partings of ways.

He took suggestions into consideration and would lend a hand if you asked reasonably but you _did not_ give Law orders.

He didn't like that.

Aside from that one rule he got on, for the most part, with everyone.

Nami got off to a bad start by trying to order him around but to be fair with all of the idiocy surrounding her she was simply used to yelling instructions to make sure they didn't sail into coral reefs, whirlpools, certain death and the usual traits of the Grand Line. (Sanji came close to truly trying to kill him despite their usually decent friendship.)

By this stage however, they had resolved any of their problems and got along quite well. Nami just made sure to couch any requests she had for him in an appropriate manner and they had no issues. She accepted it as 'just one of those things' and left it like that.

The same way you didn't touch Zoro's swords, Sanji's kitchen knives, her maps or Luffy's now infamous straw hat.

It was a rather pronounced quirk but they learned to deal with it.

Luckily Luffy wasn't the sort to really give orders willy-nilly (90% of his orders were food requests for Sanji.) so Law was able to accept him as captain even though he could have easily struck out on his own.

__

In fact, the others did wonder why exactly Luffy recruited the North Blue native and more importantly _why_ Law said yes.

True, he was a doctor but he quickly turned over said role and duties to Chopper saying that he 'didn't really like to practise on people he knew.'

He pitched in when necessary and was invaluable when it came to any kind of emergency surgery/medical problem but he was most emphatically _not_ _their doctor._

He was a doctor though and rather gleefully feuded with Chopper when it came to medical practises. Despite their rather violent 'debates' there was a modicum of respect there, if there wasn't he wouldn't have given basic care of the crewmates over to the reindeer. Law regularly displayed capabilities that would have rolled out the red carpet in any hospital in the world but he decided to follow Luffy.

Zoro understood at least.

For Law, it was his way of saying that he valued them.

He wouldn't subject them to the terrible things he wanted to do, his macabre interest in the inner workings of living things.

The swordsman had seen the 'dark doctor' in full battle mode. He knew just how sadistic and cruel Law could be and he appreciated how the older man made a conscious effort to hold himself in check while accompanying the other Strawhats.

He was being considerate of them all, particularly the youthful captain.

The why didn't make sense though. No one knew it.

It made as much sense as Nico Robin joining their crew so it was unsurprising that the two managed to forge some thread of understanding between them.

__

Robin had been amused by the rookies helping the princess.

They had been so open, so enthusiastic and _so incredibly naïve_.

Marvellously entertaining really and in her life she could certainly do with a few laughs.

She hadn't expected to be so surprised though.

Monkey D. Luffy certainly did that.

He had carried her out of the crumbling ruins without batting an eyelid and rushed off to find his comrades because that's the sort of person he had always been.

So, she knew that he would accept her onto the ship.

Too bad she couldn't predict anything else that came next.

__

Law slouched in a chair near her with the table serving as a barrier.

Sanji had twirled out and served her coffee pausing to cursorily snarl at the mellow man for 'tainting Robin-chwans air with his creepy back-alley presence.'

He leant back with his hair pulled low over his eyes, nodachi settled comfortably against his shoulder.

To the uneducated observer, he would appear to be dozing but Robin had spent most of her life looking over her shoulder and preparing for betrayal. He was relaxed but he was also alert.

For all of his politeness and easy manner this man was the one keeping the closest eye on her.

__

"Aren't you going to join them Mr. Doctor?"

"Don't call me that."

Robin arched an eyebrow. "Am I mistaken in my understanding of your skills?"

Law looked back over his shoulder and gave her a sinister smile. "I'm not the sort of doctor you want taking care of you Miss Nico."

__

"I had no idea you were interested in women's clothing Mr. Law."

Law shrugged and continued his meandering stroll alongside her. "Just because I'm not as obvious as Mr. Sanji doesn't mean that I don't appreciate a well-wrapped package."

Robin smiled in amusement as they continued through the town.

Not walking together, not really.

If anything it was a parolee and her amiable parole officer checking up on her progress.

"Well then Mr. Law I hope you're prepared to offer me all of the fashion advice I might require."

"Anything to be of use Miss Nico. May I suggest something scandalously revealing?"

__

Luffy, Chopper and Usopp perched on the side of the ship, fishing lines trailing in the waters. Sanji called down to them about their fishing before lighting up a cigarette and turning to speak to Law.

Robin watched them for a few moments before turning to Nami.

"How did join the crew?"

Nami shrugged and turned a page in the paper. "That's honestly between him and Luffy. We stopped on an island to resupply and Luffy brought him onboard. He's been with us ever since."

Robin hummed to herself as she digested this information. Too similar to what she had done herself then. The man remained an enigma, too bad.

"In East Blue?"

"Yes, after we recruited Usopp but before Sanji-kun joined us." Nami looked up from her paper "if you're worried about him there's really no need. He's definitely one of us. You know….you could just ask him. He might decide to tell you if he's in the right mood."

__

Law was covered in tattoos. Robin didn't consider it too important, she had seen people with far more extensive and interesting body art, but she filed it away nonetheless. It simply struck her again when he moved a game piece.

"Miss Nico, where did you come from?"

Robin started minutely and chastised herself for ill-use of her paranoia. He didn't mean _that place_…

"I'm from West Blue originally. What about yourself Law-san?"

He hummed and examined the board with a sleepy eyed expression

"North Blue like ."

She moved a piece.

"Oh, I thought Mr. Cook was from East Blue."

"He grew up there but is originally from the North Blue like myself."

They sat in silence for a while, waiting for Law to make his next move.

__

Luffy treated the easy-going man the same as everyone else.

Robin watched in amusement as the captain landed on his back and demanded that Law play with them.

Law activated his devil fruit abilities and left Luffy and Usopp a jumbled mess of limbs for Chopper to reassemble.

Judging from the lack of reaction from the other pirates and their boisterous laughter this was a regular occurrence.

He took a seat on the steps and watched them flail about.

Robin was surprised to see him wear the same expression she had sported since encountering Monkey D Luffy.

The patient and amused smile of someone looking at their family members.

__

The first time she saw Law and Chopper interact had been…….informative to say the least.

Rather than Zoro and Sanji who seemed to require a certain numbers of scuffles to get through the day the two doctors seemed to get on quite well as long as medical issues were not being discussed.

Robin had seen Chopper sit on his shoulders and chatter happily about the island they were visiting while Law smiled gently so it was mildly shocking (for Robin) to see them screaming and tearing into each other with relentless violence. Law always seemed so relaxed and composed. To see him yelling abuse at the small doctor (who was technically not so small at the moment) was slightly horrifying.

Luffy smiled at her and told her not to worry.

"They do this every now and then. Law and Chopper take medicine very seriously so they get really worked up about it."

Robin could hardly believe it herself but seeing the North Blue native calmly accept the salt and thank Chopper during dinner seemed to support what Luffy claimed.

Usopp furrowed his brow and tried to explain it to her before deciding that a comparison worked best.

"It's a bit like how Zoro feels about Mihawk. He doesn't hate the guy and respects his skills but at the same time he doesn't want to lose to him." The teen crossed his arms and nodded his head determinedly "If it's anything, it's a professional rivalry."

"That involves physical violence?" murmured Robin, extraordinarily amused.

Usopp flailed for a few moments before shrugging it off. "Well, we _are_ pirates."

__

Robin found she enjoyed her time with the Straw-hat pirates.

It was the most relaxed she had felt in years and she appreciated having another woman to indulge in feminine frivolities in.

The other crewmates performed for her amusement endlessly but she felt (cautiously as she did anything) particularly fond of Law.

It wasn't often that she had time to spend with another individual that shared her morbid sense of humour.

She supposed they should feel bad for scaring Miss Navigator and Mr Long nose so badly but they were just too easy.

__

In the flickering firelight of the celebratory bonfires Robin noticed how Law seemed to lighten his mood for the first time since they arrived on the sky island.

"Is something wrong, Mr. Law?"

He shrugged and paused for a moment. "It reminds me of home."

From his tone and judging from his previous behaviour she guessed he wasn't referring to the celebrations.

__

The trio made their way down the streets of Water 7, Law pretending not to admire her derriere in her leather minidress.

Chopper skidded down the street and sparkled at the older pair, enthused by a bookshop.

Law sidled in his wake, overtaking Robin but pausing and performing a half turn on his heel to glance over his shoulder.

He narrowed his eyes and stared at Robin.

Something was off, she seemed almost…..frightened?

__

The celebrations were rowdy as usual.

The pirates were celebrating the return of their crewmate and the city was celebrating that Iceburg had been saved.

Robin was elated. _Nakama_. She had found her nakama. Saul had been right.

She glanced up as Law sat heavily beside her. He flashed her a grin and continued watching Luffy and Chopper dance.

"Robin," he murmured "You've told us all of your secrets now?"

"Yes, everything about my past that I concealed." She never denied the assassination gigs.

His eyes were hidden beneath his hat so she couldn't get a good look at his face. Law leaned forward and placed his tankard on the ground before turning to her and slipping his hand around the back of her neck. Brushing her hair back and fingers ghosting over her skin he leant in to her ear and she barely registered the brush of lips against her ear before he began to whisper to her.

His tone was deeply seductive, the kind that could convince you to agree to anything. Fortunately, his words were not. He spoke of blood and death, senseless genocide and something called 'Tequila Wolf'. He told her of the cruelties he had witnessed by the hand of the World Government and the fate of those who opposed them in any degree.

He showed her why he followed Luffy and why he understood better than anyone else ever could.

"Ohara wasn't the only one."

__

Robin raised her crossed arms and announced the words for all to hear.

"Dos fleur."

Luffy and everyone else was horrified but she had to admit that it warmed her heart to hear Law cackling like a madman and pounding his fist against the railing while he gasped for breath before descending into raucous laughter once more.

__

When Chopper screamed at Hogback she noticed that Law flinched slightly.

Robin had nor been blind to the slightly wild look he had worn in his eyes since they had encountered Brooke. She knew how just how much he held himself back for their sake.

He needed to vent, she decided and took a step back from the hordes and nodded to him. Chopper was sent on ahead and only she would see.

He smiled gratefully before letting loose with his devil fruit, quickly decimating the section of the island before gleefully turning his attention to Hogback.

"Ah, I envy you Mr. Hogback but unfortunately I cannot indulge myself in a similar manner but I will do one thing for I do believe you have upset ."

They lied about it to the others even if most of them realised the truth. Sanji gave them a hard look in place of Zoro before nodding.

__

It was a beautiful day but only Robin and Law were up. Such a shame.

Robin was feeling mischievous and plus she hadn't properly expressed her displeasure for the scuffle at dinner that knocked the plate into her lap. It wouldn't be such an issue but the stains would not come out. (Although Sanji had expressed plenty of displeasure on her behalf.)

She looked over to Law as he descended the look out having been last on watch that night. He raised an eyebrow and waved lazily. She called him over and began to put forward her suggestion. Soon they were both smiling insidiously and Whitebeard himself would casually remove himself from the scene if he saw these two plotting.

__

Generally, all of the men woke about the same time. It was partially routine and partially because the only two members truly capable of silence and stealth were Sanji and Usopp but neither deigned to utilise it in the comfort of their own ship.

Luffy flopped out of his bunk before dashing off in the direction of the bathroom. He paused for a moment in mid stride blinking, his right leg raised before shaking his head and slamming the bathroom door behind him.

Sanji swayed off to his closet and began rooting for something to wear. Usopp had begun his morning stretches, twisting and bending to a degree that would make any contortionist proud.

Chopper had scuttled off to the deck, as was his routine, to enjoy the dew covered grass in the early morning. Franky was still dozing and snoring in his signature style. (zzzzz….Franky.)

All in all it was a normal enough morning so no one suspected anything. More fool them.

Zoro yawned and stretched luxuriously before scratching himself. (hey, he is a man and it is early morning.) He froze and broke out in a cold sweat. As a world class swordsman he knew his body better than anyone except perhaps the resident medical experts but you didn't need to be knowledgeable to realise that something was _not right_ and judging from the screams he wasn't alone.

__

She buried her head into his shoulder and took deep gasping breathes desperately trying to compose herself.

He muffled his snickers into his arm trying desperately to get a hold of himself. The joke couldn't end to soon after all.

"Marry me." He whispered hoarsely "After this entertainment there is no way I'll ever let you go Nico Robin."

She raised her head from the rumpled cloth of his shirt and smiled. "Let's discuss this if we manage to survive."

__

Luffy burst into the room, choosing to go _through_ the door instead of opening it.

"GUYS,GUYS!! My kintama are gone!!"

Usopp had, rather uncharacteristically, curled up into a ball in the corner and was rocking back and forth as he whimpered helplessly.

"This is so not super bros. It's bad enough Nico Robin trying to rip the boys off back in Water 7 but to think that so much damage was done that it'd all fall off!" Franky complained and crawled around on the floor looking for the 'missing' parts.

Sanji appeared to be having some sort of fit that involved tearing into the medicine cabinet in their bathroom and checking all of the various painkillers, vitamins and antibiotics that Law and Chopper stocked there for hangovers, headaches and general health. (no one on the Thousand Sunny escaped their vitamin supplements.) while muttering about Quack doctors.

Luffy stomped around the room yelling about his 'Kintama' while Zoro stood ramrod straight and took deep shuddering breaths.

Then Law sidled into the room and they descended upon him.

__

A few quick swipes of his nodachi got them to step back and give him some breathing space. His questions of 'what the hell is going on now?' were succinctly answered by Luffy dropping his pants.

The men (they were still men dammit!) watched carefully as Law blanched before getting an unholy light in his eyes and whipping out a notebook. He began scribbling in it frantically and spewing multiple theories related to Devil fruit backfire, the atmosphere and water of the Florian Triangle, potential chemicals used by Hogback in the food on Thriller Bark. The list was endless.

They finally began to decide that the look in his eyes was more of an immediate problem when he suggested 'experimentation'.

"It could be progressive." He mused "This could only be the first stage. It's likely you'll be completely female by the end of the week. Also, it could be contagious."

At the last point he activated his powers and drove them back. "Please stay at least that far away until we're sure. I'm going to check on the girls. If you've started turning into women then they might be turning into men."

Sanji started freaking out about 'poor Nami-swan and Robin-chwan needing comfort' causing Zoro to snort.

"I don't see why you're so upset crap-cook. This is the closest you've ever been to a pussy. I'm sure it's a dream come true for you."

Sanji and Zoro began their first fight of the day with Luffy egging them on but Law decided to separate them with a few choice words.

"I thought you didn't hit women …"

They turned their attention to him but they were interrupted by the rousing of Brooke who immediately started shouting in surprise himself.

"What's going on? How is this possible?" he chattered and flailed like no one else could with long white bones catching the light.

"What, has the shape of his pelvic bone changed?" Sanji sneered only to gape when Brooke revealed just _what_ was attached to the appropriate place on his pelvis.

The penny finally dropped (and by god did it take a long time) and everyone lunged for Law. The fur hated pirate quickly threw up his powers and the room was a blue blur of limb exchanging before he was gone.

__

Brooke mourned the loss of the one thing he missed from his body and got dressed while the others quickly checked all was back in the right place before chasing after Law.

The Mini-Merry sped away from the ship with Robin driving and a cackling Law waving to them.

They rained curses down upon him and not a few shots from Kabuto until Sanji walloped Usopp because he 'might hit Robin-chwan!'

"OI!!" Zoro snarled over the railing "Get back here and fix us properly!! I'm not going around like this for the rest of the day."

The others blinked and non-too-subtlely checked their shorts but only Sanji screamed in horror. "Marimo-balls!!"

The disaster duo glanced at each other before hurling themselves over the side and quickly swimming in fast pursuit.

__

The next day Law grinned through his bruises and smiled while Robin leaned against him allowing him to look into the enormous tome on her lap.

"Worth it." He murmured. "_So_ worth it.

* * *

A/N: How I wrote it here; Law is a bit of an....._incurable sadist _but he holds himself in check for his crewmates and various reasons inlcuding his mysterious initial encounter with Luffy who he is happy enough to support.

In this AU, he had some very negative encounters with the World Government but he can't follow orders well enough to join the revolutionaries so he decided to become a pirate and raise hell that way.

I think he and Robin really would get on well albeit in an extremely morbid way.


	3. In A Country Of Water

The site is ridiculous. It deletes the most random marks and then I go back and find out they've also deleted a lottery of phrases as well. :C

* * *

I actually lost the prompt for this! XD One of a couple I wrote for Naruto and One Piece crossover w_ithout_ the irritating, dense, titular hero.

* * *

"It's all about bonds." She stated in a rather definitive manner for a seven year old. "It starts with one person reaching out and forming a bond with someone and then they reach out to someone else and it goes on and on spiralling onwards into eternity."

Marco sighed and flipped a page in his book. "Kushina-chan, I do know this already. I am _quite_ a bit older than you."

She pouted and flopped forward on the tatami drumming her legs against the door frame. He gave her a disapproving look over his reading glasses but she studiously annoyed his gaze.

"Marco-nii, I was just saying. It's important y'know. People from other countries just don't seem to understand how important it is to Uzu."

"What about Konoha? They're pretty well known for their teamwork. Do you think they'd understand?"

The child sat back on her heels and let her hair swish around her like a curtain. "No, not enough. They don't understand completely and very few of them are able to do so."

He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. Too young to go to war, too young to be preparing funerary speeches and far too young to understand.

_-uzu-_

Marco does not join their ranks and Kushina struggles to understand. All of nine years of age she storms into the clan home one day after training and lays into him. She shouts and roars, cursing him out and damning him for not fighting when they are at war while he regards her through half lidded eyes and emits a vague sense of amusement at her tantrum.

Once she has screamed herself hoarse she sobs into his chest because another cousin is dead and Takeshi (_Sweet, kind, thoughtful)_ would never again ruffle her hair or help her with her kunai.

_-uzu-_

The people of Uzu gravitate towards large families. Kushina is the youngest of six children and Marco is the youngest son of her paternal grandfather, not yet twenty but possessing all the gravitas of an old man.

Marco is not a ninja. He is a farmer, a sailor, a merchant, a trader and a fisherman. Not a ninja though. He is not scorned for this because it is not their way. He works long days and supplies food to the village. It is a worthy and necessary duty and as long as he commits himself to it no one will say a word against him.

It is not as if he is incapable. No bandit or pirate has ever faced him and emerged in one piece. They mostly know to leave Uzu ships alone as the sailors are proven to be powerful and dangerous.

Kushina doesn't truly understand until she comes back from her first mission and quietly curls up beside him. She is a true ninja now and has no regrets but she understands why her uncle finds it all so distasteful. She can no longer choose her opponents; Kushina must strike where her master dictates. She envies him for a moment before tucking it away deep inside because it is irrelevant now and there is no going back.

_-uzu-_

Marco understands fighting for heart and homeland but ninjas revolt him in some primitive way. It is not that they fight, spy and assassinate that he has a problem with but rather the way they are reduced to petty mercenaries unable to pick their own battles.

He'd tie a millstone around his neck and throw himself into the waters before he gave up his freedom to choose.

_-uzu-_

"Marco-nii, do you like the water?" she murmurs, lying sprawled across the mats trying her best not to move in the sweltering heat.

"Mmm, well enough."

"Then why don't you go swimming?"

"I can't go into the water."

Kushina turns her head to look at him and frowns. Marco is slouched against the table and staring out in the dusky light of the evening. He holds his pipe, a gift from a favoured cousin who died a few months back, and idly puffs at it sending twirling spouts of blue smoke throughout the room. The smoke spirals upward and outward creating vaguely luminescent trails throughout the air like wispy little roads. She watched the light filter through and cast blue shades upon his face and realised that Marco had _changed_. When had that happened? What had changed when she was out on a relentless parade of missions?

She smiled "Afraid of snakes?"

"No, I just can't go into the water."

She pulled herself up, wincing where her sweaty flesh had stuck to the mats. "Marco-nii, you taught me how to swim. You're a sailor (among other things) How could you be afraid of the water?"

His mouth twitched in amusement. "I'm not afraid. I just can't go swimming anymore."

She stared at him across the room, his skin suddenly appearing very pale. It was strange but to see him sitting there in his yukata surrounded by a halo of blue smoke she fancied that he looked otherworldly. For a brief moment her favourite uncle had disappeared and a strange man had taken his place.

The rain began as a light tapping before it ascending to a thunderous downpour. They sat by the door and enjoyed the brief respite from the oppressive heat.

He glanced at her sadly. "I hear the war is escalating."

"Yeah. Mother is pregnant again."

"Mmm, she told me yesterday."

They chatted about inconsequential things for a while and the moment was forgotten.

_-uzu-_

When Kushina asked her mother what had happened to Marco while she had been on missions her mother got a fearful look on her face and muttered about curses.

She told Kushina not to ask about it and that her uncle had enough to be getting on with without his genin niece pestering him about this accident.

She asked several more people but all she managed to receives was grieved and fearful expressions and when she asked Marco he lost his temper with her for the first time in her memory, boxed her ears and sent her home with an admonishment not to appear before him until she learned to keep her nose out of other peoples business.

_-uzu-_

Marco loved the water. When he was younger he would swim daily, luxuriating in the scent, the flow, the whole sensation of the tides.

When Kushina was ten he abruptly stopped swimming and never went again. He would not, however, forego his beloved ships and recommitted the majority of his time to fishing and trading; passing his duties on the fields to other cousins.

Talking to his sister he would smile bitterly and claim that he's discovered a sadistic side and was nurturing it by dangling what he wanted right in front of his eyes.

It was irrelevant at any rate. They had neither the time not energy to worry about the strange quandary.

_-uzu-_

Kushina gained a little brother who was the spitting image of his grandfather hair included which was a more vivid scarlet rather than the shade she grew herself which was more like her mothers.

Her favoured uncle Marco took after her grandmother in tone and was determinedly blond as well as cursed with hair that grew in a very distinctive pattern no matter which way he cut it. She was slightly jealous as blonde hair was slightly easier to hide on the battlefield than red and she told him that. He gave her the most horrified expression.

_-uzu-_

When Kushina was twelve, Whirlpool was destroyed. Everything was a riot of chaos and blood. Til' the end of her days all she could clearly remember was the sound of screaming and the smell of blood.

She saw the body of her mother but nobody else. In truth, she was unsure as to how many had gotten out. Kushina believed that everyone had died and only she had survived. A sad ending to a melancholy tale of people dragged into a brutal war.

She never knew she was wrong.

_-uzu-_

When it began, her mother had shoved her toddling child into the arms of her youngest brother and asked him to do what they had agreed upon. Marco took his youngest nephew, boarded his small boat and sailed far, far away.

Only, he never reached his intended destination and the ship was caught in a vicious storm. Being a practical sort, he knew he had to do what was necessary and took to the skies in a glorious burst of bluebell flames, a red-haired toddler clutched carefully between his claws.

He had considered the fruit to be a curse, one that had merely drifted up to the boat one day. He hadn't even really eaten the damn thing but apparently it still counts even if you spit the vile substance out. They had no name for it but eagerly cursed it and called it ill-fortune for Marco to have been blighted so. Sure, a phoenix sounds cool but if any of the big five heard about it they would have bulldozed straight through Whirlpool to capture him.

Not that it mattered, Whirlpool was decimated anyway and he had no idea where they had escaped from the storm.

_-uzu-_

Marco searched for a way back but he never found it. In the end he decided that he couldn't search properly with an infant in tow.

He left his nephew with a family in an area called 'West Blue' and set off to search for a way home. Best laid plans and all that…

Needless to say he failed but in the end he realised that is was probably for the best. His nephew had seemed happy enough there at any rate although he would freely admit that while the boy was undeniably an Uzumaki in action and temperament he _did not_ see that coming. (and it's not as if he had anyone or anything to blame for being a corrupting influence but still, those in glass houses and all that.)

He had patted his head and promised to hurry back as soon as he could before bidding the child farewell.

"Be a good boy while I'm gone now Uzumaki Shanks."

And then he had showed up on the Oro Jackson. So much like his sister


	4. Nekomata

another crossover prompt fill that I found buried in the back of a folder somewhere. XD

* * *

She met his eyes coolly and disinterestedly (_'like a cat' he thought_) and deliberately blinked with a languid gaze.

"There is something fundamentally wrong about you" She murmured.

Marco found that he couldn't argue with that.

_-neko-_

They first encountered her on an island in the new world. It wasn't a meeting in any sense.

They passed right by her on the street and kept on going. She was wearing a hooded cloak and if she hadn't passed so close to Marco he wouldn't have noticed her at all.

He was listening to a story Thatch was telling him about something some kid in his division had done. She walked straight by him without so much as glancing at him once.

Two things he got from that 'non-encounter'.

One: That she was fairly short. Shorter than him at any rate.

And Two: That she smelled of fire, ash and death.

It was enough for him chance a minute glance, eye flickering to the left but he saw nothing of interest and soon forgot about it.

_-neko-_

"So, does that mean you can smell death?" he queried with an expression of thoughtful curiosity.

Yugito didn't even bother turning her head to look at him only giving him the barest acknowledgement out of the corner of her eye. "Don't play the fool Marco, I'm not buying it." She shrugged elegantly "Don't tell me you haven't figured out something so obvious."

"Can't say I'm an expert on this subject, eh."

Marco slipped down to lounge on the deck beside her and she regarded him calmly for a moment or two. Coming to some sort of decision she turned her gaze fully on him and her pupils dilated until he was trapped in the full weight of her void eyes.

"Every living thing _stinks_ of death."

_-neko-_

The first time they overtly noticed her she was sitting in a graveyard.

Her back was to them and she half leaned against an ostentatious memorial for some long-deceased person of wealth and influence. The graveyard was fenced in with twisted metal bars tipped with wicked spikes. It was an uneven field of dips and hollows with stone thrown down haphazardedly upon it. Grave markers and memorials dotted the landscape blurring into the background of rocks and crevices. It was a burial ground of necessity, a truth that no amount of gaudy sculpture could conceal.

She sat, one leg drawn up and rested the corresponding arm upon it. The hand on her knee twined wrappings in her deft fingers and moved silently like an acolyte immersed in prayer and counting their devotions upon a rosary. Her hair spilled freely, covering part of her face, casting shadows that her heavily lidded eyes seemed to glow through. Her head tilted to the side as if in thrall. Whether she was captured in some kind of ecstasy or merely listening deeply was for anyone to guess.

Thatch had pointed her out in a spot of mild curiosity but had passed no further remark deciding that while an unusual sight it was not really their business. Marco however had paused on his heel and thoughtfully stared at the woman lost in a quiet meditation up on the hill.

She looked almost like some sort of spirit in the dwindling light. For a moment he thought he saw a flicker of blue but when it did not reappear he dismissed it as a trick of the light.

_-neko-_

"Hey," he gently tugged at her ponytail and was rewarded with a glare "Just what are you looking for?"

Yugito paused before returning her head to rest on her folded forearms.

"Something that I do no believe exists in this world anymore."

Marco hoisted himself from his lounging position and leaned on the banister she was using. "What makes you so sure, eh? I've seen many impossible things on this ocean, why are you so sure that it's not out there somewhere?"

She makes an amused sound and folds her body into one of those impossible stretches that works out every possible kink in a spine but defies logic and biology before flopping backwards into the direct path of the sunlight.

"If it existed, I would have found it by now."

"What is it at any rate?"

"A way home."

_-neko-_

The first time they actually meet is when Whitebeard and his commanders meander (they weren't in any hurry) into a tavern and find a massive brawl in play with her right in the middle of it.

It's unusual enough that no one makes any moves for a few moments and merely lets the fight continue on.

Whatever was the trigger it is apparent that she is the centre of it. Whitebeard finds it hilarious in his own way and they had to admit that the old man has a point. The denizens of the pub seemed to primarily compose of burly seamen and they were thoroughly getting their clocks cleaned by a relatively small woman. The barman watched impassively from behind the counter, clearly too used to this sort of thing to be bothered. She twirls and feints, snapping wrists, stealing weapons and shortly returning them in increasingly brutal and creative manners. After dispatching the remainder that were foolish enough to continue fighting she gets into a knife fight with a swordsman and after he makes some unfortunate comments she cuts off his hand then, while he is bleeding and screaming about her ruining his career as a swordsman, she buries her borrowed dagger in his skull via his eye-socket.

Thatch declares that he is in love. Marco wishes him the very best because with his luck he's liable to say something stupid and be the next one to get something sharp and pointy jammed into an orifice.

She turns her attention to the Whitebeard pirates who had paused on their way in and were waiting for a cue from their captain. Her stance is loose but ready. She stares Whitebeard straight in the eye with more of a hint of challenge than apprehension. A moment passes before he laughs and shakes his head. She appraises him and gives him with a nod clearly respecting whatever she has seen and makes her way to the bar where she sits down to a half eaten meal.

Clearly she is a woman of priorities. They respect that.

_-neko-_

They are comparing again. A game that could potentially turn either very violent or quintessentially obscene but they're in the mood for neither.

He holds up his hand for her inspection, all flickering blue flame and she leans in (_close enough for him to feel the heat of her breath_) and inspects his flame with her own.

Yugito grasps his larger hand, still aflame, in both of hers and lets the fire come.

His is bright enough to blind. Hers is tempered by black streaks that belies its' otherworldly nature.

Marco admires her, face scrunched up in concentration all angles and feminine smoothness, with the flame casting shadows back onto her.

Neither of them will be burned. They are far too careful for foolishness.

_-neko-_

Thatch was always the direct sort and has claimed a seat at the bar besides the young woman and introduced himself.

He seems to be mildly successful and he alters his tactics once he has tested the waters. He quickly ascertains that he has no chance of getting her into bed (a fact he _mourns_ because she is really up his alley) but he potentially has an interesting new acquaintance.

Yugito Nii is her name and when he comments on the unusual nature of her surname she merely smiles, lips quirking up gently, and remarks that it is perfectly suitable for her, in fact there was no name that would be more appropriate.

She has many secrets and a promise of violence behind her calm façade. If anything, she is a coiled viper, ready to strike out at a perceived threat.

They talk weaponry and swordsmanship and she proves to be quite knowledgeable. Plus she doesn't wear an expression that non-too-subtly suggests that she would sneak into his room and poison him when they stick to this topic.

Thatch ignores the suggestive leers and laughs of his nakama and she pretends not to notice apart from a mild but pointed comment that implied if anyone pulled any shit she was more than willing to tearing them apart as the brawl earlier on had hardly counted as exercise.

At the end of the night she is gone and Thatch is mourning to his fellow commanders that although they are arguably friends she has expressly no active interest in him whatsoever.

_-neko-_

"Did it hurt?"

"I was two at the time."

"You would be too young to remember I guess."

"I still have nightmares. It felt like I was being burned alive and I know for a fact that my _loving parents_ volunteered me for the money."

"…"

"My mother sold me to the military and it's not as if the bitch even needed the money...goddamit"

_-neko-_

They meet her again several months down the line at a festival on a spring island and Thatch bounds over, cheerfully greeting her and is rewarded with a pleased smile of recognition.

This time she is properly introduced to the other commanders and Whitebeard himself (previous stare down nonwithstanding) She nods politely and accepts their invitations to join them for the festival but she pauses at Marco and regards him curiously for a moment. Marco, for one thing, is reminded of how the ships cat would eye him up whenever he had a fish dinner.

"Devil fruit?" she queries.

He nods and that is an end to it.

_-neko-_

He runs his fingers over her rosary and arches an eyebrow in silent question.

"A tool." She explains "A focus, a seal, another method of making sure everything is secure and that there are no _accidents_."

"I imagine that they would be _extremely_ unpleasant accidents to experience."

She laughes throatily "Oh, you have no idea. No clue whatsoever."

_-neko-_

Whitebeard offers her a place in his crew and she gives him an expression of utter puzzlement.

"Does it work like that?" she asks in honest surprise.

Thatch shrugs "Sure, why not. You should accept."

"But I'm not a pirate."

A round of laughs at this.

Vista grins "Well, you certainly fight like one. If you're not a pirate, then what do you claim to be?"

"A ninja."

_-neko-_

One example of the silent killing arts and no one ever questions her credentials as a top class ninja again.

Plus, you had to respect a woman who could murder you with a disposable chopstick.

"Nine, huh. Did you know any of the others?"

"Only Killer Bee really. We shared an apartment when I was a child. Eccentricities aside he really looked out for me as family."

"Nothing beats nakama, eh?"

"Ha. True. We had it much better than most really. For that, I was always grateful."

_-neko-_

After a long talk with Whitebeard and information swapping session she agrees to join with certain exclusions.

She won't take any tattoos or wear his mark and she coolly asks him if he could honestly expect her to agree to such things when she was basically branded a demon as a toddler. Besides, she's worn the mark of her village for so long she really couldn't bring herself to replace it with something else.

Yugito admits to the Yonkou that it would also be admitting in a roundabout way that there is no way back to her village and she cannot let herself believe that even if she knows it to be true.

_-neko-_

"So, eh, Thatch insists that kunoichi learn all of these 'special skills'"

"Marco, I learned demon taming and the art of killing. By my sixth birthday I could kill a roomful of people with the _cutlery_. I learned poisons and stealth and which part of the body was non-essential and which should be cut out with a spoon to achieve my missions."

"Thatch doesn't know shit does he?"

"Wise deduction."

"Where does he get these ideas?"

"Well, it is true that female ninja went undercover in brothels and as courtesans fairly frequently but I never did too many of those missions. It was considered a waste of my battle prowess and I never learned the full skill set for those missions anyway."

"…"

"That's a rather strange expression."

_-neko-_

As part of their agreement Yugito was to spar with a pirate of Whitebeard's choosing in front of her new comrades to demonstrate her capability. There was a few raised eyebrows when the famed captain turned to his first mate and told him:

"Gurararara! Get in there!"

Marco obeyed but reluctantly knowing Yugito was capable but feeling it was overkill.

He greets her and her kick knocks all of the air out of her lungs and sends him flying across the deck. He wheezes in surprise and looks at her in shock. She is calm, in control and completely unafraid. Whether it is ignorance of his reputation or if she genuinely doesn't care is uncertain but when she turns those liquid eyes upon him he is reminded again of the ships cat and its' insufferable superiority.

"You should respect me better than that Marco. Death has been my profession since I was two years of age."

Her eyes glow.

Marco grins.

_-neko-_

The Whitebeard pirates have several cats. Marco isn't thrilled or annoyed by their presence in any measure. They keep the vermin count down and it can be pleasant enough to endure a warm purring fluffball on your lap before it hops up and stalks off in a clear dismissal of your presence. What does annoy him though is the way they stare at you. The way el gato fantastico the tabby (Vista and Thatch are never allowed to name anything _ever_ again) would sit on a crate and stare directly at you with ancient and fathomless eyes, as if it knew or saw something you didn't. Damned superior flea bitten moggies!

Looking into her eyes could be like that sometimes.

Yugito would sit and simply stare out across the deck. Taking everything in with a serious gravity as if she could perceive something that no one else could.

They would eventually understand that animals could see beyond the normal scope of human understanding. Yugito could see things that they would never notice.

_-neko-_

It was basic hand to hand to start with. They danced across the deck at a high speed never moving their eyes from their opponent.

She went for brutal assaults, to maim or kill even. He returned the respect in turn.

She was slightly faster but he had better reach.

She was incredibly flexible (sometimes he wondered if she had a spine at all) but he was far more capable in that department than you'd expect. That made her smile wryly and Marco marked it down as a point in his favour.

There was a low muttering across the ship that was the current of bets exchanging hands and a stylistic critique of their (high level) spar. They were impressed at any rate. It was one thing to know Yugito was a capable fighter but a whole other thing to see her go toe to toe with the First Commander.

After fighting at a stalemate for a while Marco decided to kick it up a notch and scorch marks on the deck be damned.

_-neko-_

Whenever they reached land Yugito would disappear for a few hours.

Naturally, it would eventually come to pass that they would check up on her and see just exactly what she was doing. Just to be sure of course.

Marco took up the duty and Thatch gave him a jealous ribbing before making kissy faces at him and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively telling him to take 'Yugito-chan' somewhere special. Marco punches him on principle and tosses him into the harbour because he was being doubly annoying today before sauntering off the ship.

He finds her in the graveyard much like the day he glimpsed her before. He sits down beside her and she ignores him. They sit in silence for a long time, it probably seems longer than it actually was, graveyards do that sort of thing to you. When she moves to get up and ties her hair back he raises his eyebrows meaningfully and asks.

"What are you doing?"

She gives him a look, half amused and half surprised he didn't know already.

"Listening to the dead."

He blinks, a sleepy eyed expression and smiles bitterly. It's just as cruel as he imagined from earlier.

"It really is a bakeneko isn't it?"

She nods absently as she fixes her rosary on her wrist.

"The Nibi likes to listen to the dead, it soothes it. Of course it also scents the people that cross our path and determines their death and the deaths they cause."

She squats down in front of him and gives him an indulgent look, one that reasons to him that she has been here many times before and expects to be there many more times before her days are done.

"It really bothers you doesn't it? Don't. It's fine. I've dealt with this since I was two years old and I'm the far side of thirty now."

He reaches up to her and twines a loose tendril of hair around his finger for a moment before tucking it behind her ear.

They walk back towards the main part of the town where they know the others will be.

_-neko-_

Marco bursts in fire and Yugito doesn't so much as blink. Point for her, he acquiesces but he sourly notes that most people are generally impressed when they see his Phoenix devil fruit.

Then she starts bursting gouts of blue and black flames and he nearly falls out of the air. They did not see that coming.

No wonder she wasn't impressed.

_-neko-_

The old man is dying.

They don't need her to tell them that.

_-neko-_

She dismisses Ace as pathetic and pays him no attention. He gets in her way once during his futile quest of assassination and she kicks him out of her road. He shouts at her and she pins him to the railing with her foot and stares him down.

"What do you know of suffering _boy_?" she purrs.

There is quiet for the rest of that day.

_-neko-_

Jinchuuriki is the term she uses.

She is sparse in the details but what she does reveal horrifies them.

They do not discuss it further but merely accept it. They have no choice.

_-neko-_

Yugito sprawls in the sunshine, arching her back before rolling over and continuing to sleep.

Marco watched her bemused. She really is so much like a cat.

_-neko-_

The legends of Bakeneko say that they possess the corpses of the dead and can breathe life back into corpses.

These legends are true and far more horrifying than they could have imagined.

The island is not one they have visited before. The town is mere rubble with corpses strewn among the wreckage. Whitebeards rage is impressive but Yugito has been restless for the last week and has reached her breaking point.

The dead call out to her and she answers. She is wreathed in blue flame as the corpses pick themselves up from the ground and _walk_.

It's monstrous.

Her voice calls out and they quickly realise that it is not Yugito but the Nibi who is crying aloud to the winds. The dead walk and the nekomata rises.

Marco shudders as something inside him _screams_ and reaches out with a cry of recognition. His devil fruit cries out and he realises for the first time that it is merely a taste of the kind of life Yugito has lived.

The pirates who raided the island had only moved inland to hold their party. It's not exactly clear what happened but the end result is clear enough. There are corpses everywhere, torn apart and some with visible bites taken out of their cooling flesh. They are all dead and Yugito is terrified.

Marco examines the scene and notices the teeth marks on some of the corpses.

He questions her and she confirms the truth.

_The dead don't come back to life._ They get up, they walk, they talk, they weep, they wail but they are not alive. They are abominations, slave to the Bakeneko, born from unjust deaths and suffering.

He holds her hair back as she vomits and passes no comment on the unusual texture of the bile.

_-neko-_

He explains this in detail to Ace who asked in what he desperately hopes was a case of intensely morbid curiosity.

Yugito explains it clearly to them later on.

'Time marches onwards and it can never go back. You're born, you live and you die. That's the only direction time runs in. You can give up time or stretch it further but you cannot set it back.'

_-neko-_

Marco mourns privately.

His grief is not yet spun out and he cannot afford to go to pieces, not when everyone is depending on him.

He buries his face in her hair and his shoulders shake.

"I wish I could ask you to bring them back"

"It would only cause them and us suffering."

"I know."

"It's not what they wanted."

"I know."

"I would do it if I could."

The pain won't disappear but time will move on for all of them regardless. He tightens his grip on her, presses his face in the place where her neck meets her shoulders and breathes deep because whatever she is marked by she is warm, breathing and oh so gloriously alive and he needs to feel that right now more than anything.

"I know."

_-neko-_

They sailed through the Grand Line for countless lazy days dozing under the hot sun.

Marco will pause, glance to his left and continue on.

'_You're still here. So many have left me behind. Please stay just a little bit longer'._

Yugito will flicks her eyes to the right and nods minutely.

'_Cats are fickle creatures. Lucky for you that I'm a woman no matter what others may have believed.'_


	5. Dinner and a Show

A/N: Prompt response for Penniless1

"Death was last seen in the auction room, looking worried."

* * *

He really didn't like places like this. Not that he took any official standpoint on the whole topic because as long as people died like they were meant to the world would continue on marching and he could get on with it.

It's just that there was something so distasteful about the whole malarkey. I mean, selling your own kind as if they were chattel? It was something that Death had thought would die out as a natural progression of things. Civilisations progressed and slavery became abhorrent to them. That's the way it always happened.

But yet here he was, sitting in an auction house where the ignorant and the stupid bought and sold each other as if they were butchers at the cattle mart. No, scratch that. Butchers at the cattle mart was a noble endeavour and one he heartily supported.

He wiggled about for a moment and made himself comfortable before rustling his bag of chips. Officially you weren't supposed to bring your dinner into the auction house but hell, he was **DEATH** and he would do what he damn well pleased. Not that he was actually there of course. Death was eternal and was happening everywhere at once so while he was enjoying a rather sumptuous fish and chips in the Sabaody auction house, Death was also off escorting innumerable people to the next life, playing chess with Fate, cards with Luck and chilling on a beach somewhere in the New World. But remember, this guy is **DEATH **so he can do these sorts of things.

* * *

The reason Death was here was business related. (not that he was expecting the auctioneer to abruptly drop dead in the middle of the show even if it would be _hilarious_) but rather he was expecting something significant to happen.

He wasn't quite sure what though but getting upset about those details was Fates prerogative not his. Death was his business and everyone dies eventually. The thing about the living was, even if they had a great and important fate, they still had free will and would do things as suited them. Death broke off a piece of battered cod and savoured the taste. Everyone died eventually, and he had all of the time in the world to wait.

So that's really what he was doing (and resolving to visit that take-away again because his dinner was _great_!)

He didn't react when slim limbs twined round his neck but he did slap her hand sharply when she dove into his meal.

"Get your own you fickle harpy."

Luck pouted "Don't be mean _Thanathos_, there's more than enough to share."

"Besides the point and no."

Luck flipped over the seat and made herself comfortable drawing out a bottle of premium whiskey and cracking it open.

"Have they started yet?"

Death licked the vinegar from his fingers "No, and not all of the players have arrived yet _T-adh_. I know why I'm here to observe but what about yourself?"

"Same as you." Luck took a generous gulp of her bottle "Business with those who are going to be involved." She passed him the bottle and claimed a piece of fish "You'll know the guys when they appear. They're generally the ones who have had near-death experiences at some stage or another."

Death grimaced "God, I hate those guys. I completely blame you know."

"Why's that?" Luck snickered "Is it because they get away from you?"

He ignored her and chugged the bottle. "Psah! Everyone dies eventually. It's just damned annoyed when they knock on my door and then _'ooo, no I can't die yet. I'm not ready' _Blah, blah, blah, wasting my time when I've got more to be getting on with."

She blinked and tilted her head to the side "Don't lots of people do that when their time comes?"

"No, it's not the whining. (Annoying as it is, I'm used to that.) It's the coming all the way and then going back. If it's your time, you can't do that so when they do that they're just…"

"Timewasters"

"Precisely"

"Well, fuck them."

"Hear, hear" Death saluted with a heavily salted chip and Luck waved a bottle of some mysterious liquid around.

* * *

The crowds continued to file in and the entities indulged in people watching.

"Noble fashions are really ridiculous aren't they?"

"Says the female who most imagine draped in finance."

"I don't think the reaper man can really say anything on that subject."

"…..touché."

The people around them didn't seem to notice them but no one tried to claim their seats. But that was part of their nature, as it was. Mundane mortals only saw them when they willed it, they were near death (dying, not drinking next to him) or if they…

"Hmm, a lot of pirates here today" he mumbled from where he was burying his face into a bottomless serving of hot, salty, vinegary potato goodness. "Powerful pirates at that."

Luck peered over to the right "Hmm, you're right. I see some faces that have some very strong ties to me. That yummy blonde in the mask for one thing." She drew back and paused "Wow, he's got a _really_ nice ass….and those trousers are beyond epic."

Death looked up either oblivious or uncaring to the chunk of battered cod hanging from his lips "mMmhupf? Oh, yeah you're right. Those are utterly awesome pants. Seriously Metal." He nodded in appreciation before freezing at the sight of his red haired companion. He quickly hissed in her ear "Quick look at the red-head next to him."

"Oh? Oh! Oh, wow. That's really…" her mouth flapped open.

Death nodded "That is definitely, without a doubt, the most _pimping_ fur coat I've seen in a hundred years."

Luck drooled "Oh, baby. I've got to get me one of those. 'Pimping' is right! Hey, who's wearing it anyway?"

He flapped his hand disinterestedly "One of the Supernovas, Kidd. Leaves a trail of bodies wherever he goes. (Messy bastard) Not _too_ interesting but clearly a man who knows a good coat."

"Indeed" Luck mumbled. She stared at the bare chested pirate unashamedly before leaning back to murmur in his ear. "Any chance of a heads up as to when he's gong to die? That is a _really _nice coat."

"Free will."

"Dammit! This'd be so much easier if you were Fate."

"Fate is a whiny bitch who can't play chess to save a life."

"Hard to argue with that…"

* * *

Luck drank deeply from her bottomless bottle and blinked in surprise as a young man in sexy hat nodded to her politely.

"He's extraordinarily perceptive. Hmm, I don't think I know that guy too well. Not the sort to rely on me. Nice hat at any rate."

The sallow young man had caught an eye of her companion and stiffened, a wild look in his eye before he turned away and pretended not to notice. Well, that was interesting.

"Is that boy afraid of you?"

Death licked his fingers "I've met him before and worse I'm afraid" and made an obscene gesture with his hand.

She winced and grimaced "oh, ew. One of _those_ guys huh? I'm almost surprised he didn't come over and try to molest you."

"Give him a few years. He's one of those characters that want to hold the power. He hasn't quite gained the power he wants so he's deferring until another time." Death rustled his bag of take-out which seemed just as full as it had been an hour ago despite his constant eating "That's Trafalgar Law; Dark Doctor, Surgeon of Death, wearer of really nice hats. Troublesome guy, I suppose."

"but to creatures like us," Luck smiled thinly "he is not original or unique in anyway."

"The same kind of man we have seen a million times before albeit with a really fancy hat."

"Why do pirates have all the style these days anyway?"

Death shrugged.

* * *

The auction house was nearly full now and the two entities were beginning to get restless.

There was something on the air, the reason they were there to bear witness. They ignored the rather austere man who joined them and gave Luck a particularly filthy look when she inquired as to the whereabouts of his better parts.

"frivolous wench" Fate snarled.

Death ignored him and concentrated on his unending bag of fish and chips. They knew what they needed to know. That was how things worked. Death would look at a person and _know_ them immediately. He looked at Eustass Kidd and immediately understood his thoughts, motivations, mindset and the ever-flickering nature of his eventual demise. Some days he could see the man dying of the bottle, others he would fall in battle. Free will was a wonderful thing and it should have made things very interesting but ultimately if you exist long enough it really didn't. He knew men too well, they all did. They were predictable enough in the long run.

But still, they continued on. Fate was only there in future today, Luck knew there would be those who would draw on her nature as they balanced on the edge and Death was everywhere and nowhere and the eventually hand that reached out to everyone. Which was probably why he didn't get too worked up about much stuff. Everyone died in the end. It was just those who stopped dying half way. It was something you only had to do once so they could bloody well stop calling him unnecessarily!

It was important that they be there, even if the details were fuzzy. As long as they were there it would be alright. (although being such as they were, they were there and in countless other places at the same time. Death had finished his games of chess and cards and had headed off to take in a fight on Amazon Lily.)

No one else seemed to notice the three young people as the auction began. 'Massacre Man' Killer had tilted his head in their reaction before ignoring them. He was violent, not reckless.

The auctioneer pranced about the stage wheeling out his wares while the observing entities kept up a commentary on the fashions surrounding them. Death confirmed that the auctioneer had a good chance of dying before the day was out but like anything else it depended on what choices he made before then.

"for those ridiculous glasses," Fate murmured "he'd certainly deserve it."

* * *

"Ah, it starts." Death nodded to the back where an eclectic group had entered "what we've been waiting to see, that is."

Fate and Luck peered at the group "Oh, I know them well." Before blinking at their unison.

Death closed his bag of food despite the fact that it still seemed to be full and put it away somewhere unobtrusive. "It's going to be unnecessarily complicated but the details still seem a little fuzzy even to me. I do know though, that they play a large part."

Fate nodded "And so does that man there." And steadily observed the Tenryuubito waddling down to join his relatives.

"Idiot." Fate sneered "Their inhumanity to each other and their cousins of this world are no concern of ours but just what do they think they are doing brandishing that symbol everywhere?"

"Perhaps, they truly do not understand what it means" Death sighed and stared at the young mermaid in the tank.

* * *

The trio promptly turned their heads to the side and observed the wall as they waited and were completely unperturbed when a flying fish crashed through the wall.

The chaos was only beginning when one of the newcomers marched up to the Tenryuubito right beside them and viciously punched him.

Fate smiled sadly.

Luck grinned.

Death parted his lips slightly.

And then everything really went nuts.

* * *

"Hey, how long has it been since that's happened?"

Fate observed the riot, never taking his eyes off the offender "precisely eight hundred years in time of the Blue Planet."

Death leaned over and poked the drooling carcass with his foot. "Too long really. Pah, this guy is of no interest to me."

Luck started "You mean he's not going to die?"

"Well, no. But there's nothing saying he doesn't have _more_ brain damage."

Fate snickered "unfortunately, this is only a trigger for things to come."

A guard sailed over their seat and Death started cursing. "Another bloody war? As if I don't have enough to do as it is. Damned idiotic humans."

Luck stood up and stretched, arching her back. "Well, I've seen who I needed to so I'm off to pay a visit to someone who's riding the edge. Where are you guys going next?"

"I still have an interest in these guys, I'm going to follow the straw hat for a few weeks longer." Fate grimaced "And then I'll be at the execution."

"Hmm, me too. I'll see you there." Death stood up and paused, his flickering for a moment "I'll have lots to do there."

The trio strode from their seats to the doorway.

"Poor children" Luck sighed "It's going to be terrible for them isn't it?"

Fate shrugged "Well, I am a bitch for mortals to deal with."

"Yes, well. You're not the thing on their heels they should be fearing."

Death pouted "I'm not that bad! Everyone comes to me eventually. Live your life before then and you'll be grand."

The doors swung open and Death was gone.

* * *

A/N: Ha, this was fun. C: Death comes to watch the beginning of increase in his workload. XD


	6. You certainly have changed

A/N: Yes, I'm clearly insane and most of the story happens offscreen and if this was a proper story the last bit would have been slashed and burned but this is clearly not meant to be anything other than crack.

Also, It seems that I should not be let anywhere near genderbender but that's not going tochnage anytime soon. :3

* * *

Prompt: You certainly have... changed...

When Mihawk at long last stood face-to-face with Roronoa Zoro for their final showdown, he most certainly hadn't expected the young swordsman to show up as a woman. And what was that strange feeling in the pit of his stomach? Could it be... love?

Mihawk falling hard for girl!Zoro, please

* * *

"Juraquille Mihawk. I have traversed the Grand Line with my nakama and shed blood, sweat and tears in pursuit of my dream. I have fought countless swordmasters and come out on top. I have laid my life on the line for this." Zoro stared down the length of Wadou Ichimonji and snarled "I demand a rematch Shichibukai. I'm not the same as I was back then."

Mihawk blinked and stared. "I beg your pardon?"

Zoro took a step back and gave him a funny look. "I want a rematch. A duel. Let's pit our skills for the rank of the greatest."

Mihawk folded his arms and stared intensely at his challenger. "You said 'rematch' but I do not believe we have met before."

Nami dropped her head upon the rail and grumbled. "I know Luffy said he heard him say it at Marineford but I never thought Mihawk'd actually forget someone he'd beaten."

Usopp frowned as they looked on from the deck of the Thousand Sunny and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "But it's strange. Zoro was much weaker than he is now and he still managed to leave a really big impression on Mihawk. He could have killed Zoro but he just wounded him with his sword, even though he was fighting with the little knife he wears, and challenged him to grow stronger."

"Am I hearing you correctly longnose-kun? 'Hawk-eyes' Mihawk deigned to use his sword on an East Blue rookie?" Robin looked mildly surprised "That's extraordinarily impressive and a great gesture of respect. Zoro-kun caught his attention all the way back then. But I must digress with you there. I don't think Mihawk has forgotten Zoro-kun at all."

"What do you mean Robin? He just said he didn't remember him. Er, Zoro looks really pissed. I think I'm coming down with a strong case of 'can't-get-near-those-guys' disease." He shivered and ducked down slightly.

"Yo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. I do believe you're overlooking the obvious Usopp-kun. You've gotten used to it so you don't expect others to find it strange but as Robin-chan implied it's not so much that he doesn't remember Zoro." Brooke chuckled some more "It's that he doesn't _recognise_ him."

"Oh? OH! You may have a point there."

Franky peered over his sunglasses. "The only problem with that is that although he's changed a great deal from bro' to sis' he's still very recognisable as Zoro. Haramaki-bro may be female but he's still very similar."

"Damned bastard, you're the one who gave me this scar across my torso!"

Mihawk moved slightly from slightly puzzled to mildly surprised. There wasn't actually much difference in his expression. "I have so few female challengers. I think I would remember giving a woman such an enormous scar."

Robin chuckled to herself at the mildly perturbed look Mihawk was now wearing. 'I see, interesting. Mufuu~ this may prove to be a completely different kind of entertaining.'

Zoro snarled and blushed. "Look, it's not exactly my own actions that led to this…" he waved his hand about his distinctively feminine body "_state._ But that doesn't really matter because I'm still the same person and I'm still going to be the greatest swordsman in the world. All it means is that I'm going to prove woman can achieve the higher levels in a very _literal _manner." He frowned attractively at the last bit, his lower lip sticking out in a most becoming manner. In fact Mihawk seemed to be considering it in a very dedicated manner.

"Oh for goodness sake." Nami muttered before leaning over the side and shouting at Mihawk. "The challenger in front of you is the one and only 'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro of the Straw hat pirates. Now are you going to accept the duel or not? It's nearly time for lunch anyway."

"Roronoa?" Mihawk stared at Zoro again in a slightly different manner definable only by masters of subtlety and precision. "Yes, I see it now. It is not a change you usually expect."

"Shichibukai-san?" Robin called "Perhaps you would prefer to digest this information before a duel. I suggest we retire to lunch and get this all sorted out before you attempt to kill each other."

"Perhaps you have a point Nico Robin. This is something unexpected and hence interesting. I would like to know how these circumstances came about before I agree to our…'rematch'"

Zoro cursed and stomped up the gangplank while Mihawk glided in his (well her…..I suppose) wake and, much to the joint amusement and horror of everyone there, gave her rear end a rather thorough examination.

"Don't mind Zoro's grumpiness hat-guy." Luffy whispered conspiratorially "He's having his 'special girl time' so he's grouchier than usual."

_-break—_

"Roronoa, you are an okama?"

"Hell no!" Zoro shrieked "The change of gender was _absolutely not voluntary_ and if I could have undone it I would have."

Mihawk inclined his head in apology. "Forgive me for my assumption then. Cases like this usually include Emporio Ivankov and those of the 'okama' alignment."

Zoro snorted and crossed her arms unintentionally emphasising her breasts which Mihawk openly stared at as if it was an aspect of a fascinating new species.

The Shichibukai had, in a rather deliberate move, claimed a seat directly across from the once decidedly masculine student of the sword and was currently 'investigating' this interesting turn of events. Despite his lack of shame when it came to looking at the feminine assets Zoro had recently developed.

"Nah, Iva-chan didn't do it but he couldn't fix it either." Luffy said while he dug for gold.

"Interesting. Is it a true transfiguration then or merely an illusion?"

"Oh, it's real alright." Sanji snarked as he placed a steak in front of the Shichibukai "Trust me on this. The marimo is all woman."

Robin chuckled before deciding to push things along and take pity upon the swordsman. "It was something in the water, so to speak. The exact mechanics are a mystery even now but the simple fact is that we obtained drinking water on an island some six months past and Zoro-chan had a bad reaction to it. Unfortunately all of the medicines administered mixed with the mysterious element in the water and the nature of the food we obtained on another island, not to mention the sake."

"So in short, you have no idea why it affected Roronoa or what specifically caused it although you suspect it to be a combination of elements."

"Fufuu~ you're quite intelligent Hawk eyes-san."

"It didn't affect anyone else so it might have something to do with a particular element in Zoro's blood too." Chopper explained "either way, we have no way to safely counteract it without doing permanent damage to his body."

Mihawk nodded as the zoan explained and while a part of Chopper was very proud that such an impressive individual was heeding his words the other part was screaming in abject terror because he was talking to the man who destroyed _fleets_ in his boredom.

He arched one finely defined eyebrow. "Did you consult with Ivankov regarding your…'problem'?"

"That we did bro'" Franky took a slug of cola "But pumping Zoro-sis full of hormones to activate the change is much too risky when we don't really know what caused it in the first place. Iva-bro refused. Said it was more likely Zoro-bro would end up dead or worse."

Zoro slammed her hand down on the table. "That's enough. You understand now right? There's nothing physically wrong with my body, I'm just a woman now and you know what? I can work with that. My first rival was a woman and I never managed to defeat her. Not. Once. There's nothing I wanted to do as a man that I can't do as a woman."

Usopp coughed "Except _that_."

Zoro glowered and reached for his swords. First Mihawk refuses to fight him, then he spends the entire afternoon openly ogling him (Stop it!) before hearing the whole story that does not need further repeating dammit!

"So how did you deal with the balance?"

Zoro blinked and stared at him. "What?"

"When the change occurred your centre of gravity was changed. Did you have much trouble compensating?"

"Hm? Well it took a while because it was such an integral change. I had to reacclimatise to that first but my reach had changed as well so that forced me to take twice as long to retrain my reflexes."

Nami watched in amazement as Mihawk skillfully drew their gender bendered nakama into a conversation regarding swordsmanship and the changes Zoro had to make to his style. She leaned over and whispered to Robin.

"Is it just me or is he _flirting_ with Zoro?"

"Fufuu~ It took you this long Nami-chan? For a man like Hawk-eyes only another swordsman of a certain level is enough to capture his interest. It seems that it extends into his preferences in women too."

Usopp leaned around Nami. "I half thought Zoro was assexual." he hissed "But does this count as homosexuality though? I mean he's completely female now. Gah, this is seriously confusing."

Brooke hummed merrily to himself. They were deep in enthusiastic sword-centred conversation and paying no attention to where the rest of the crew was migrating to. "I'm not entirely sure Usopp-kun but I'm pretty sure that Zoro was mostly heterosexual to begin with."

"mostly?"

"Well, we are pirates. You can never be completely sure. Yo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho"

Chopper scuttled under the table and took a seat beside Brooke. "If we assume that was the case then when the change occurred then perhaps it didn't alter that part of the brain too much and he's still biologically heterosexual but interested in males because he's female now." He pushed the rim of hat back "I wouldn't read too much into it anyway. This is _Zoro_. Swords have _always _been his obsession."

Nami snorted. "I don't think Zoro cares about the details too much but easy money says that swords are involved in everything sexual Zoro has ever done.!

"Gah!" Usopp fell off the bench "Images! In my head. Damn you Nami!"

She frowned before shuddering. "That was _not_ what I meant and oh!god! images."

"Shall we make a wager then?" Robin murmured. "No Beli. The usual terms though."

Zoro was talking quickly, her eyes burning with enthusiasm. Mihawks' were glowing with something else entirely.

"I'm in."

Usopp paused "This is a bit off topic but are ever going to figure out whether to refer to Zoro using masculine or feminine pronouns. Everyone keeps switching and it's getting really confusing."

_-break—_

"You've had this body for how long now?"

"About six months, why?"

"Hmm. As you are now, you cannot beat me."

Zoro surged up from her seat. "Then duel me and we'll find out for certain!"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

Mihawk turned on his heel and gave her a flat look. "For that title, it would be a battle to the death. Both of us surviving is very unlikely. You've had an entirely new body for six months so if you fought me now you would lose and thus my having spared you in the East Blue would have been a waste of time."

The Straw-hat pirate snarled and slammed her fist down on the table she was sitting at. Dammit, he was right and Zoro knew it. Mihawk watched her impassively for a few minutes.

"Why are you so angry? You're still young and driven, we'll have our duel in good time when you're ready and not before. However" his mouth twitched slightly "I have a proposition for you."

_-break—_

Luffy and Zoro watched the Shichibukai sail off with a flourish that seemed to scream 'I'm the king of everything and just damned better than you.'

"Ne, Zoro. Are you sure you're okay with this? What about your dream?"

Zoro sighed and ruffled his hair. "Oi, I'm not done yet Captain. Much as I wish it wasn't true Mihawk is right. I need more time to adjust to my new body. He's promised that we'll duel for the rights of being the greatest soon enough. So _that_ duel has been deferred a little, that's all."

Luffy nodded. "Okay, I understand. Mmh, but what sort of deal did he make with you?"

Zoro blanched and mumbled. Luffy leaned in and peered closely. "Hey, why are you blushing Zoro?"

"I'm not! He promised to come back soon and spar with me to help me get in top shape sooner if I agree to pay a forfeit for every loss I take."

Luffy nodded sagely "I see, you've got a date."

Franky was the one to pull Luffy out of the ocean shortly afterwards.

_-break—_

"So, Zoro-chan." Nami purred "Have you managed to beat 'Hawk-eyes' yet?"

Zoro merely snarled and continued with her push-ups.

"So, I should take that as a no, then?"

Brooke glanced at the scoreboard Franky had erected on the cabin wall. "Ah, it's about a hundred to nothing in favour of 'Hawk-eyes'-san. All bloodily fought and each one paying a forfeit to the victor."

Zoro provided a backdrop of frustrated cursing as his workout increased.

"That's a rather impressive record for such a short amount of time." Nami allowed "So, what sort of forfeits have you had to pay. It wasn't beli, I know that much."

"You know damn well what it is you sea-hag!" Zoro hissed.

The navigator simply shrugged, all nonchalant innocence, and her smile grew devious. "Well, it just seems that the two of you go _interesting _places and the gifts…"

Robin smiled as she leafed through an old book that now belonged to Zoro. "You have to admit swordsmaster-chan that Mihawk does appear to know you very well. Take this for example." She held up the book in her hand "A rare copy of the tale of the 'uncrowned king', once the greatest swordsman in the world."

Zoro blushed and quickly grabbed a heavier set of weights. He was not going to admit he enjoyed that book immensely.

"What about that high calibre polishing set?" Nami leered "Or the flowers, the throwing knives, the various interesting archaic weapons and texts on different schools of swordsmanship?"

"More importantly," Robin shut the book with the gentle reverence of someone who appreciated literature "Have you put out yet? Because if you don't let him at least have a little grope he may start to lose patience."

Zoro fled from the room. They watched the door for a few minutes before applauding Robin and passing over a bag of sweets.

"Well done anesan. You really got him good."

The archaeologist inclined her head in acknowledgement "It was close Nami-chan."

_-break—_

Sanji had issues with the whole 'Zoro being a girl now, mellorine~' but he soldiered on and added it to the list of things he discussed in his weekly therapy session. (The srtrawhats had crew meetings instead of a group therapy session and the one group therapy session for pirates always ended in violence, drunkenness and waking up beside someone you did not expect. Trafalgar Law ran these.)

He didn't blink when Zoro stormed in and dropped head first onto the table. He pulled out a bottle of sake (it was a sake sort of day) and went to place it on the table before pausing.

"Oh god, you're not pregnant are you marimo-chan?"

"No, I'm not and give me the damn sake!" Zoro snarled and swiped at the bottle. After a few generous swigs he calmed down enough to use the provided cups and raised an eyebrow.

"Why anyway? Would it be a problem if I was curly-brow?"

Sanji sneered over his cigarette "No, it just means I'd need to go grocery shopping but worse than that," He paused dramatically and gave his cigarette an adoring look "I'd have to quit smoking around you."

Zoro flashed him the finger and the cook blew a stream of smoke in his face.

"Perv."

"Marimo-chan."

He grinned sardonically "Cheer up, your boyfriend'll propose any day now."

The once male, now pleasantly female, pirate threw the sake jug at his head.

_-break—_

"Right, as you all know, I now possess a female body."

Sanji cocked his head "The breasts were kind of a clue."

Luffy grinned "Ace really liked those, didn't he? I think he was really disappointed that you already had a boyfriend. Sanji, more meat!"

Zoro twitched and his hands inched towards his swords. "He tries to grope me again and I will not be held accountable for my actions."

"Might I assume the same rules apply to Law-san and Kidd-san?" Robin murmured.

"At least Drake-san is gentlemanly enough to keep his hands to himself." Chopper replied."

"Anyways, I have lost exactly one thousand and one battles to Mihawk and dealt him a rather vicious scar."

Chopper nodded "That was pretty impressive. Although…" he furrowed his brow "is it a swordsman thing to ignore your blood gushing out in spurts like that or just these lunatics?"

"hang on, a thousand and one?" Usopp grinned "that's more than you fought your first rival Kuina isn't it?"

"Yeah, I'm not going to give up anytime soon. We're almost even now."

"You're telling me" Chopper mumbled remembering the amount of blood he'd had to mop up.

"Hmm, I wonder if Mihawk-san wished to surpass the level of dedication received by Kuina-san?" Brooke sipped his tea "Because now he can legitimately say that he is your greatest rival and your ultimate goal."

Zoro blinked. Clearly the thought had never occurred to him. "Anyways, my forfeit for my final loss (_for this one nearly killed us both and I will be victorious next time_) has been decided so I need you guys to help me with it."

Luffy grinned "Sure, no problem. What do you need?"

"We're getting married."

"You're not serious."

Zoro stiffened "You doubt my honour. I lost and I agreed to pay a forfeit of his choice. So, we're getting married. Swordsman pirate style"

There was a moment of silence before all of the crewmates reached into their pockets and passed Robin her winnings.

_-break—_

"Well, I think we've all learned something valuable today."

"That a sense of honour is _insane_"

"Aside from that. Never bet against Luffy or Robin."

"An improvement on an old lesson then. What about 'swords are appropriate gear for a wedding'?"

"Also good. God, does he ever stop checking her out?"

"Mihawk? Yeah, whenever I look he's contemplating her ass, her rack or her swords."

"Oh god, look what they're doing! Are they fighting or getting it on?"

"Both I think…..yes, definitely both."

"Right, back to the bar…_quickly_"


	7. Big Love

Sacredandtheprofane did it and then Penniless1. So thus, it is all their fault! :3

But then I realise I wasn't in the mood for OT3s so what better way to spend my lunch than by starting with (one of) my OT4(s) and working my way up! XD

ReadR has pointed out that I always pair Mihawk with a genderbender…..I didn't actually realise I did that. XD (I ship him with Hancock or should it be Mancock in this instance) Well but it's easily explained. Mihawk is sexy and awesome and genderbender is utterly hilarious. But that is a point nonetheless so behold below. Not a single genderbendered individual in _that_ entire room…XD

Penniless1 has declared it to be OT3 week and I agree so go forth and write some! (I'm already commited to an OT3, it'll come soon!)

* * *

**OT4:** San/Bon/Lu/Ace

**Prompt:** Birthday.

Sanji hummed to himself as he made his way to the galley. It was his birthday in a few days but Ace and Bonney would be gone back to their ships before then so he was cooking a birthday feast tonight instead so they could all celebrate together. It wasn't exactly custom too cook your own breakfast dinner but this was Sanji who guarded his kitchen like the treasury of the World Government so it's really unsurprising that he'd supervise the cooking himself. (Read: do it all, cook his own favourites and refuse to share the bottle of quality booze he'd saved with the Marimo.)

The infamous pirate chef was quite looking forward to it anyway. A great meal with his nakama and closest friends. Then he opened the door to find Bonney sitting on the dinner table in a mini skirt and the world grew white.

"M-M-Mellorine~" he whimpered.

"Sanji-kun" the pinkette purred "It's your early birthday treat."

Sanji vaguely wondered if that was the sound of his heart keeling over in sheer bliss before he was tackled further inside the door by five feet nothing of bouncy brunette nymphette. "San-ji!" she sang "we've been waiting for you."

"Mellorine~ please forgive me my dear for keeping such an adorable presence such as yours….Luffy why are you a woman…..again?"

Luffy grinned and bounced on the balls of his, well her, feet. "Do you like it? Iva-chan helped us do it for your birthday."

Sanji blinked and his mouth flapped unintelligently as Bonney scooted up behind Luffy_ko_ and started groping the paramecia-user enthusiastically.

"Luffy, you didn't have to do that just for me" Sanji soothed as he desperately tried to stem the flow of his nosebleed "I love you just the way you are shitty rubber head."

"I know that." Luffy_ko_ chirped utterly unphased by Bonney and concentrating on Sanjis shirt "But we all know that you really like girls and boobs so Bonney thought it'd be an awesome birthday present if you could play with three girls for once."

"Three?" Sanji whimpered as the pantry door slowly swung open with a creak.

"Yeah, as a _special_ birthday treat" Ace, or Une purred and swung her hips towards him "I'm afraid I don't know much about this sort of body from this perspective so I'm counting on you to teach me _Sanji-kun_."

Une grabbed Bonney and kissed her roughly, slim tanned hands creeping towards the hem of the skirt as Luffyko fumbled with the strings of the lurid orange bikini that her older sister was sporting.

The scrap of cloth went flying and landed onto the shoulder of who was technically the only man in the room. It was also the end of his self-restraint as he promptly decided to take advantage of his birthday present without further delay…

**

* * *

**

OT5:

Marco/Ben/Mihawk/Makino/Shanks

**Prompt:** Silver tongue.

Marco stretched languorously, tanned and toned muscles playing over his back as he sat up and blearily looked around the room.

Benn sat, with only his gun and cigarettes, against the sofa and casually lit up a cigarette as he emitted an air that said to the all the world that it wasn't the first time he'd woken up somewhere strange.

"So, eh…" Marco scruffed his fingers through his hair "how th'hell did he manage to do that? I mean, one minute we're drinking the next two of us are helping Makino-chan out of her skirt. I'm just not sure how we got to that point."

Benn sighed and exhaled a long stream of smoke "I gave up figuring it out years ago. He's just _that_ good. The only thing I've managed to confirm is his supernatural ability to end the night with the only breasts in the place."

The pair glanced over to the far side of the room where Mihawk sat snoozing against a cushion with Makino pulled into his lap and Shanks with his head on her knees and making happy noises as she brushed her fingers through his hair.

"He could teach me how to do that at the very least." Marco grouched as he examined the rather impressive collection of bites, scratches and hickies he seemed to have amassed throughout the night. "It's more than a skill, it's _supernatural_."

Benn merely shrugged and offered him a cigarette. The whitebeard pirate accepted the offered nicotine and lit it by setting his hand on fire.

A knock sounded on the door and Ace barged in "Yo, anyone alive in here?"

Benn rolled his eyes and sighed "Well, I suppose he did technically knock." he muttered

Marco arched an eyebrow "Ace, are you wearing a mini skirt?"

Ace glanced down "Seems so. Are you completely and utterly naked?"

"You've got eyes haven't you?"

"Anyways, Sanji wants to know if you guys want anything special from the market for your breakfast since he's going now."

"Bacon." Mihawk spoke up "Any variety he feels like cooking as long as there's tea, coffee, any hot drink I can sweeten and douse my headache with."

Marco winced as Ace mooned him when he whirled out the door. It seemed that the 'fire-fist' wasn't wearing underwear either-something Marco felt he could have gone without knowing.

"I wouldn't worry about it Marco-the-phoenix" Mihawk intoned staring, as he generally did with everyone and thing, impassively and in a somewhat terrifying manner "Red-hair has never changed and he is unlikely to do so in the future."

He gave Makinos waist a squeeze and promptly started contemplating her shoulder with the air of someone browsing a menu.

"I suppose what Dra-san means" Makino mused "is that you'll get used to it soon enough and it's really not worth the effort to fight against it."

While Marco gaped at her in a nonplussed manner Benn threw his head back and laughed.

**

* * *

**

OT11:

Supernovas

**Prompt: **It's the end of the world as we know it.

Months later no one was quite sure what had happened exactly. An entire island had been destroyed, a fleet of pirate crews that did not know their place and a terrifying amount of marines who were 'inducted' into some of the celebrations by Roronoa Zoro, Eustace Kidd and Killer.

Investigations revealed that there wasn't a drop of food or drink left on the island and several bars had been concurrently trashed.

At first, they thought it was simply a raucous party but the amount of broken beds and the way the pharmacies had been robbed led the investigating agents to quake in terror and scrub their hands raw once they realised just what they had been touching.

Wearing nothing but his straw hat, Monkey D. Luffy returned with his similarly scantily clad first mate to the Thousand Sunny to be greeted by his beloved crew.

Usopp passed out and Nami buried her face in her hands "Dear god, just what did you do this time Luffy?"

The Bonney Pirates whirled by with their captain leaning over the side dressed in what seemed to be a red vest that looked suspiciously like the one Luffy always wore. "Good fun, eh?" she grinned "I'll see y'all next time. We'll hold it in the New World next year."

She had no sooner sailed off into the distance than the Heart Pirates had surfaced and collected Bepo from the care of Chopper and the others. Law was covered in bandages and grinning like a loon "Bring the babes next time Strawhat." He leered at Robin and hopped into the Submarine, polar bear in tow.

Franky blinked as Urouge flipped them the bird and made several obscene gestures as he passed by.

Capone glided past in his ship, looking surprisingly ruffled and a recovered Usopp eyed him suspiciously.

The Kidd pirates stood on the rail as their captain yelled obscenities and leered at the cook who merely flipped them off in return.

Funnily enough, the only Supernova they didn't see was Drake X and to that Luffy merely said he'd left in another direction. Zoro, for his part, had leered and waved a pair of leather trousers before wandering off to take a nap on the deck clearly unconcerned that he wasn't wearing anything other than his swords and a haramaki.

"You know what?" Nami said "Never mind, I think I have a very good idea as to what you guys did on that island."

Luffy grimaced apologetically "You guys can come next time if you want."

Nami cocked her head and contemplated what she'd seen "I might just do that actually."

* * *

A/N:

1.) I believe I have already mentioned that these guys are one of my OT4s

2.) Shanks can talk you into ANYTHING. He just decided 'Yeah, I'm going to have all of these guys in my bed tonight' and he did...the man is seriously beyond epic. XD

3.) I can't be the only one who knows this needs to exist. In case you're wondering why Hawkins and Apoo aren't there, they were. I tjust wasn't mentioned as they left early. (Apoo to a concert and Hawkins with a prophecy) And that was only the3 first annual shindig.


	8. A triangle isn't always divisive

**A/N: **

A triangle isn't always divisive. Let's make threesomes fun again and remove the traditional _angst._

Yeah baby, that is what you think it is. XD

Tsuru/Yorkii/Brooke just for you Penniless1! *flails and skips*

Plus some Ace action for the masses! And some moar genderbendering (don't give me that look, how dare you act like you're surprised at this stage. Plus, I think this instance is haplessly adorable. :3)

* * *

**OT3:** Tsuru/Yorkii/Brooke.

**Prompt: **Song of the sea

Before everything else, before that ocean, before that last song, Yorkii had been the man who saved him.

After the war, there really had been nothing left for Brooke. What family he had was dead and everyone else he had left behind in the trail of his convoy. He had his sword, he had his music but these were not things that were ever meant to stand alone. If Yorkii hadn't found him tinkering with a battered piano in a ramshackle tavern he probably would have been there until he had died or possibly been knifed in the back as happened quite frequently in that dirty back alley port.

The blonde man had listened to him play before making a request and jumping in with a borrowed instrument. It was lively and chaotic and the instruments had been swapped several times before Brooke found himself dancing down the pier, arm slung over the shoulders of his new Captain sinking 'Binks Sake' at the top of their lungs.

He worried slightly at the strength of the attachment that quickly flourished but he was so quickly wrapped up in the joy of friendship, camaraderie and love that he pushed his worries aside and concentrated on fighting alongside his new family.

Sometime after they had 'acquired' Laboon and had explored a good bit of the West Blue they had met Tsuru for the first time. She had beat most of the crew up and down the street before battling Yorkii who blasted her with a burst of _haki_ thus nullifying her devil fruit powers and proceeding to flirt outrageously with her. She chased them off, Yorkii cackling insanely the whole time. When they were safely out to sea he had turned to Brooke and grinned. "I like her, let's seduce her." Brooke had regarded his captain seriously for a moment before shrugging. "Eh, okay." The woman had moxie, he had to admit that much.

They met her several times after that. Proponents of the new age of pirates would be surprised that each one was entirely co-incidental. Tsuru was a practical woman more concerned with routing more dangerous pirates and protecting the innocent citizenry than chasing random crews more focused on partying and hunting treasure. Yorkii needled her relentlessly and often found himself mercilessly abused for his efforts. Each encounter would leave him getting patched up by Brooke and gloating that they were that much closer to success and Brooke should serenade her next time.

One evening saw Brooke playing his violin at the back of the tavern, a short moment of peace to exercise his fingers and test the strings. He chanced to glance upwards and noticed a guest in a neighbouring inn smoking out the window. He started minutely and Tsuru lit up a cigarette. "It's my weekend off." She noted wryly and proceeded to ignore the afro headed musician but she didn't move from the window. Brooke watched the spirals of smoke twirling upwards and lifted his violin sending his music up between the puffs and through them weaving a tapestry of the atmosphere of that moment.

The next time they crossed paths Tsuru 'washed' out half the crew and rewarded Brooke with a wink before she attempted to remove his head from his shoulders. Yorkii saw it as a step forward and redoubled his efforts, telling Brooke that the three of them would party together before the end of the year. Tsuru aimed low that time and took a potshot at their hats.

After bidding farewell to Laboon and setting off into they discovered Tsuru nursing a glass of whiskey in a well-concealed tavern. She gave them an intolerably annoyed expression and quickly ordered the barman to top up her drink 'since the most annoying bastards on the seas have come to interrupt my hard won vacation'. Yorkii quickly insinuated himself beside her and entertained her all night with bad jokes, lines and an endless parade of seafaring songs. At some stage she throws back her head, swallows the last of her drink and drags both Yorkii and Brooke off to the room she's rented having decided that they were entertaining and what the hell she was on vacation anyway. Lying in a sweaty heap hours later Tsuru had stretched and asked Brooke if he knew 'Binks Sake'. Yorkii had laughed uproariously until they both threw him out of the bed.

Tsuru was nothing if professional and while she was perfectly happy to seduce them when she was off duty she spent encounters during her working hours trying to arrest them. The only crossover was the time she and Brooke got creative with a pair of handcuffs on Yorkii. Tsuru had been vastly amused by the gag.

There was a gap in meetings once Tsuru got busy at work. One day she took her saved holidays and met up with the Rhumba pirates on an island fairly close to the Red Line. Brooke had been alone. For once, she comforted him and gave him what comfort she could until she too cried for the smiling pirate who had chased her and loved her well enough to bring her into his life as much as she possibly could.

The Rhumba pirates vanished and she saw them no more. Time passed and she climbed the ranks until she was the only woman at that level. She left both men in the past and moved forward because Tsuru was nothing but a practical woman. She sat in her office, performed her duties and hummed a well-loved sea shanty under her breath. Moving on was not the same as forgetting.

* * *

**OT3:** Ace/Hancock/Luffy.

**Prompt:** Family Affair

It wasn't quite clear how the three of them had ended up in this specific situation but Ace completely placed the blame and gratitude on the shoulders of Monkey D. Luffy. ('Let the god of piracy bless you Luffy' he thought 'and although saving my life is pretty awesome I'm afraid that this bumps it down to number two on the list of awesome things my beloved little brother has done for me')

Hancock hadn't been thrilled by his presence, eyeing him suspiciously, but Luffy (still clingier than usual at this stage) had insisted and given both of them the most determined pout he possessed. It never worked on Sanji but it worked on both Ace and Hancock who were easily ushered in the depths of the bedchambers of the famed 'Pirate Empress' and if they never did anything else that night Ace swore to swipe a pair of panties as a souvenir because he'd truly ventured where no man had ever been before.

It was awkward at first. Hancock had done her damnedest to turn him to stone the first time he tried to touch her but Luffy had scowled, lectured and wagged his finger at her while he wound his rubbery limbs around Ace in a hug. She had cheered up considerably when he placed a sloppy kiss of forgiveness on her cheek. (This exact scenario played out three more times in the following fifteen minutes.)

Ace was mildly disappointed but not altogether surprised that he wasn't going to get a bit of the empress because while she became his friend for life when she decided to look out for Luffy she was also a grade-A babe that he desperately wanted the chance to _personally_ thank. He had mostly resolved himself to these facts when he noticed her 'interesting' reaction to the affectionate nature of his interaction with Luffy.

Not for nothing was Ace the second division commander for Whitebeard: countless pirates and marines had been soundly defeated by his quick wit. Grinning slyly and keeping an eye on Hancock he nibbled on Luffys lower lip before sliding his tongue inwards, his brother responding enthusiastically and Hancock turning all sorts of interesting colours.

Whether or not Hancock was aware of blatant rumours covering the oceans of the Kuja warriors it seemed that she did approve of the D brand of _brotherly love_. (The rumours were of two schools: that they were all lesbians and indulged in all sorts of kinky fantasy fulfilling activities and the other was that they were inclined to abduct men for their needs. The first passes no comment but the second is partially true at least.) Her mouth flapped unintelligently and while Ace did appreciate her shock he felt he much appreciated her when she was strutting around with Salome in her shadow and teasing everyone left stunned in her wake.

Still wrapped up in the younger man Ace reached out and grasped her hand drawing her into the mixture although Luffy served as a cuddly buffer. He grinned wickedly to himself 'Step one: success. Now to get Luffy to help and I'll apply my special technique.'

Regarding what happened next suffice to say it was _extraordinarily_ obscene and highly enjoyable and while Luffy was indisputably the most flexible person on the Grand Line Ace was truly a master of his Devil Fruit and the more _skilled_ of the brothers as Hancock learned to her delight. (Hereafter Ace could make her shudder with little more than a laviscious grin and a wiggling of his fingers bringing all sorts of delicious and bone melting memories to mind.)

As the morning came Hancock found herself in a confused and highly comfortable pile with Luffy on one side, face in her breasts, stretching his limbs over both of his companions and Ace on the opposite side, cuddled up against her back, and emitting a delicious warmth.

She didn't know why she had been so apprehensive. Afterall Ace was Luffys much adored brother hence he was wonderful and more than welcome. Luffy left in pursuit of his nakama later that afternoon and Ace attempted to leave. Hancock objected and held him prisoner for another day…or two.

When the remainder of the Whitebeard pirates made contact they received a lot of confused noises across the den-den mushi before Ace told them he'd catch up to them…something next week…maybe.

* * *

**OT3: **Sabo/fem!Ace (Une)/Luffy.

**Prompt:** Family we chose.

When Une was nine years of age she informed Sabo that once he had written his first book of the world and she had made her mark on the open seas they were going to get married. She sealed this with a kiss on his cheek which she later pretended had never happened. There was no question on the topic. Sabo was merely being duly informed so he simply blushed, pulled his hat further down and accepted it.

There were worse things than promising to fulfil your dreams and spend your life with your best friend. The only complication Une encountered was Luffy because they absolutely _could not_ leave Luffy behind so she'd probably have to marry him too so they could be together always. This was on top of the sake they drank and shared, a second promise to ensure that whatever happened they would come together once more. Family doesn't leave each other behind after all. ('_Proper_ family doesn't at any rate' she muttered snidely)

Une didn't understand why Makino had laughed when they told her. She really didn't have a leg to stand on with her lover of the 'two for one special' frolicking over the Grand Line. Luffy was thrilled with the idea of being tied together with two of his absolutely favourite people in the world and Sabo was simply happy that they still accepted him as a member of their family.

It was a brilliant plan and they'd looked forward to coming together after their adventures but Sabo had died, sunk into the choppy waters by the casual cruelty of the Tenryuubito. Their grief caused them to cling to each other closer than ever and Luffy insisted on two things. Firstly, that they had to get stronger, _much stronger_, and secondly that they had to renew their promises. Luffy was still going to marry Une. He still was going to be Pirate King. They were still going to be a family no matter what happened. Even if one of them could be stolen away just like Sabo was.

Une nearly was, very nearly.

Luffy had chased her (as had their crews) but it had almost been too late. So many were buried and she had very nearly followed after Whitebeard. If she had been a little later in her movement Luffy would've been dead, if she'd merely tried to block that movement instead of tugging him aside she definitely would have been dead and Luffy would be wallowing in his despair.

The clutched at each other desperately as their nakama formed a bristling, furious cocoon of loyalty around them not letting any outsiders get near or interrupt their grief and their joy at being together once more. They had lost Sabo, they had nearly lost each other.

But then, a man appeared. Draped in the garb of a revolutionary; practical and concealing robes with accessories to prepare you for everything. He had hunted down the Strawhat and the Whitebeard pirates with the obsessive determination that they all knew well. His burn scars covered the entire left side of his body. He flung his battered hat and goggles to the ground and demanded to see _them_ ranting that the 'damn revolution, my book and Luffy being Pirate King could wait' because Une has made her mark on the ocean and they were going to fulfil their promise now before he lost them again.

Then Luffy is running and tackling him, Une is on his heels and they are together once more, gleeful and grieving in equal measures. Examining each others wounds and weeping for each others losses. Une drags both Sabo and Luffy to their feet and ignoring her bandages roars that everyone had better get ready for one hell of a party because they're getting married and to hell with the consequences!

Everyone looks at each other before the cooks depart to the kitchen and Shanks immediately demands the role of party planner. Pirates don't hold much with conventions but they were pretty serious about promises and the bonds between people.

Sanji plans the menu and Marco argues about details with Shanks. The family of three merely stand together and hold tight because they're together once more and the madness of their lives aside, that is all that really matters.


	9. Lizard Lady

Penniless1 is a bad influence and I'm a bad influence and it's an endless circle of corruption and smut…isn't fandom fun? XD *flails*

Let's pay tribute one of the crackiest theories ever (and one of the most fun!) This was found in a folder I have labelled 'cracky au'. That says quite a lot now doesn't it?

It's Lady Croc baby!

**

* * *

**The first thing you need to understand is that Dragon is Robins BFF. Well, maybe not in the same sense as teenage girls but make no mistake, Robin is his homegirl and occasionally goes to stay over with him, Iva (his other BFF) and several of the revolutionary leaders. It's more political and scholarly than the slumber parties hosted by Bon-chan (Who, you should know, is second only to Iva-sama and Inazuma-san when it comes to _fabulous_ make-overs.) but they have good wine and dinner nonetheless and everyone's always happy to see each other.

It was on such an occasion that Luffy came face to face with his father since their 'encounter' in Loguetown. If it was anyone else there would have been much drama and _angst_ but Luffy merely grinned (in a cheerful and open manner) and saluted in greeting while Dragon grinned (in a charismatic and oh-so-masculine manner) and nodded in return. The Strawhats' were welcomed by the revolutionaries and Luffy saved the sobbing, emotional reunion for Sabo who had returned from his mission to South Blue just as they sailed into the (super secret) port to meet up with Robin.

Nami thought it was a little strange that Dragon and Luffy had such a positive relationship but, she couldn't deny, that nobody in their crew had a conventional parental relationship. It was a little strange to notice but Dragon was undeniably _proud_ of his son, that Luffy was choosing his own path. But the surprising cordial relationship between the two members of the Monkey clan lead Nami to a thought.

It was an idea so _extraordinarily_ tempting that she couldn't let go of it. It gnawed at her until she finally dragged Usopp into a closet. Once the sniper had calmed down (and stopped screaming "Rape! Oh gods. Please don't hurt me!") he agreed. It was such a tantalizing question and what made it so good was the fact that they had the key to it sitting right in front of them…stoically drinking a beer….while Iva pranced around him gossiping madly.

But they couldn't, could they? It wasn't any of their business….

But he was sitting RIGHT THERE!

I mean, everyone knew how seriously fucking epic Rouge was, Roger was, Garp is (even if he was a complete and utter loon) and Dragon was what with leading a global conspiracy and all so it does make sense that _she'd_ be fantastically awesome too.

It all came to a head when they were having dinner before parting ways with the revolutionaries and Nami simply blurted it out.

Dragon had blinked blankly at her showing that despite their differences the Grandfather/Father/Son combination were indeed related and it flickered up in their facial structures at odd times.

"Yes, of course I know what happened to her. I also know where she is but she is living her own life as she chose to back when Luffy was born."

Nami and Usopp freaked out. Chopper and (purely because he loved a bit of chaotic excitement) Brooke joined in.

Luffy blinked "Huh. So, Mom is out following her dream, eh? Neat." He reached for a new plate of Beef only to be intercepted by Nami hopping on his arm to get his attention.

"Luffy, are you serious? Your _biological father_ is sitting right in front of you and doesn't seem too adverse to telling you who your _mother_ is!"

Luffy merely blinked and shrugged. "I guess Dadan and Makino were my Moms. I never met my Mama and she never came looking for me so I never really thought of her. I had lots of nakama anyway."

Sabo laughed and patted Luffy on the head, adjusting his straw hat in an affectionate manner. "Why so surprised Nami? Luffy has always been more concerned with the people around him than those off doing their own thing."

Dragon tilted his head slightly and looked gravely amused, much like Robin frequently did. "If you genuinely want to know about your mother Luffy then I will tell you."

Luffy frowned and eyed a plate of beef contemplatively before nodding. "Allright then, Nami seems really curious so you can tell me Dad."

Iva helpfully produced a photograph of a younger Dragon and a striking dark-haired woman with an intense expression.

("Where were you keeping that?" Dragon queried. "Don't worry darling I always keep my blackmail handy." The Okama queen twittered and fluttered a handful of glossy polaroids.)

Luffy chewed thoughtfully on a hank of seaking as his crewmates eagerly examined the picture.

Robin had been chuckling endlessly ever since she saw the photo but she refused to say why.

Nami plucked the photograph with two fingers and held it aloft. "You know, there's something rather familiar about this woman but I just can't figure out what exactly. What do you think Sanji?"

Sanji wiggled "Mellorine~" he cooed.

Usopp took the picture from the navigator and sighed "Yeah, that's very helpful. Mama Monkey passes the Sanji blot test."

The picture had been taken while the subjects had been at work. They were seated at a table covered in maps and bundles of notes with a couple of den-den mushi snoozing amongst the debris. The woman was in possession of a darker, almost sallow, complexion and her eyes were clear and sharp. The expression was a bit like Luffy at his most dangerous. Powerful and focused. She also looked remarkably angry and Iva confirmed that she did attack him shortly after the picture was taken. ('Mama Monkey' had always hated photographs.) After careful examination Usopp determined that while Luffy definitely took after his father and that side of the family, there was something about his mother in his more serious expressions.

The sniper leaned over his captains shoulder and displayed the image. "What do you think captain?"

Luffy cleaned his skein of chicken with a practised movement and glanced down at the picture. "Ah, it's Croc'" he said before stretching out to relieve Brooke of his barbecued steak.

A beat. A dedicated scrutiny of the image. Then came the sensible and hopefully sanity-preserving inquiry towards Dragon.

"Yes, that's right." He rumbled, completely unconcerned at the dawning looks of horror on certain key faces (He was a sensible man and was much more concerned with noting those that were now sporting utterly devilish grins.) "She was a revolutionary for several years after the loss of her hand before deciding to return to piracy. 'She' also decided to do so as a male."

=A=

Back on the Thousand Sunny the remaining strawhats shuddered as if a sandy tendril ran down their spines. Zoro woke from his nap and surreptitiously examined the bottle of grog he had situated in his lap to finish later. He eyed it suspiciously before rolling it away from him further down the deck.

=A=

Usopp shuddered and heaved as struggled for composure. "So what you're saying is…_Sogeking save us all_…that the _Shichibukai_ Sir Crocodile is originally a woman and the _mother_ of your son."

Dragon frowned "Well, yes but I'm not sure what the original gender of that individual actually is."

Everyone looked to Ivankov who shrugged impishly "Vell, I have known Croco-boy for a _very_ long time."

"Yeah, thanks for considering the sanity of the world." Nami grumbled "So, what exactly happened? I mean, you had a kid together so what exactly changed?"

"Nothing. We were still rather young wanted different things and neither of us was in any position to raise a child so I offered to give Luffy to my father instead. Otherwise it was a comparatively amicable split."

"Luffy; Crocodile (oh god I can't believe I'm saying this) your mother, _abandoned_ you! What can you say about this?"

Luffy shrugged calmly and batted away the revolutionary who objected to the theft of his dinner. "Maa, I'm not really bothered 'bout it. It's not like I ever missed her. I told you I had Makino and Dadan an' Ace an' Sabo an' Grandpa an' you guys too."

Dragon nodded approvingly "Luffy is strong but we always knew he would be. He's our son afterall."

Luffy flashed him a thumbs up before Sabo put him in a choke hold for 'disrespecting the dinner of the people around you and hands off my dessert you bastard'

Nami beckoned for some Whiskey and passed the bottle to Sanji who was shuddering in shock under the table (He needed some time to get over this.) "So, what exactly does this mean then?"

Luffy looked at Iva before his face split into a terrifying and devious grin.

=A=

It was a dry day but then again it was always as dry as the most ancient desert wherever Crocodile was. He snorted in disgust and flipped the page of the paper searching for the actual news and not the celebrity _tripe_.

Who honestly cared who Marco the Phoenix was dating?(virtually no one actually realised, although Crocodile did in fact know this sort of thing, that the man was happily married to one of the nurses that had looked after Whitebeard.) Or that Boa Hancock had won Miss Universe? (She had shown up, turned the competition to stone and ordered the judges and audience to acknowledge her beauty. They did.) Or even that Shanks was turning in his pirate flag for a career in public relations. (Actually he had simply thrown himself a _spectacular_ birthday _festival_ and taken over an island for the event. The locals had been thrilled in the end and a wonderful time was had by all.)

'No wonder the world is in an age of pirates if this is the tripe that people care to read.' He sneered before chomping down on his horribly expensive cigar and turning to the death notices. 'Let's see who gave up smoking today.'

A shadow was cast across the photo of another terrorist who succumbed to illness in prison (read: anti governmental agent who was murdered under the orders of the Gorousei.)

He arched an expressive brow at Daz Bones.

"Someone to see you Boss." The bounty hunter justified.

The man stepped aside and took up a position at Crocodiles right hand side to reveal Luffy.

"Mugiwara" Crocodile sneered "What an unpleasant sight. What do you want now you irritating insect?" He hefted his hook and let the light catch it in an unmistakable threat.

Luffy grinned and waggled a shot. "Hi, Mom!"

Crocodile blanched and the cigar dropped to floor. Enough of a gap for Luffy to do what he needed to do…

=A=

It was the turn of Basil Hawkins to host the Pirate Council knees up so they were all in a rather nice tavern he had introduced them to.

Hawkins had arranged everything in advance and was now sitting at a table drinking and reading tarot with Trafalgar Law who did not necessarily believe in the arcane but rather enjoyed the other mans dry wit.

"Chance of imminent violence: 100%" the pirate mystic droned.

"Gonna have to do better than that Hawkins." Law flipped through his latest copy of 'MadScience Quarterly' and hummed "Oooh, there's a new brand of surgical equipment endorsed by Doctor Vegapunk. Looks good."

Hawkins shuffled his cards in response. Kidd swaggered in the door and made his way over to the table.

"Yo, Bitches. Where are the bitches?"

"I think you left yours behind somewhere. You _do _know that you have to untie Killer so he can go about his first mate duties?" Law sneered "Oh look, they do deliveries. Hmmm…"

Kidd flipped him the bird and threw himself down into a chair and looking around for the staff. "Huh, check out the barman. He's one hell of a bear."

"No, that is a bear. The barman is unloading a delivery out back." Bonney interjected as she sauntered in "Although it wouldna' surprise me if ol' Sieg was actually part bear."

The burly (and hellaciously hairy) barman entered through the back effortlessly carrying several large barrels of ale. He looked at the bear who bowed its' head meekly and slunk away to take a nap by the fire. The man stared gravely at his customers before conscientiously cleaning the bartop where someone had spilled…something.

"Chances of spontaneous gender realignment: 50%" Hawkins droned.

Kidd perked up "I didn't know Iva was coming. Is _that_ going to be the 'party theme'?"

"No." Hawkins deadpanned "That individual is currently in the South Blue. Chances of entertainment at the expense of another person: 60% and rising."

Kidd and Bonney exchanged a look before shrugging. The female pirate helped herself to the basket of rolls on the table. The barman appeared (for such a giant of a man he moved amazingly quickly and silently) with a tray of beers.

Scratchman Apoo bopped into the room, headphones loud enough that the others could identify the strains of the worldwide hit courtesy of the Soul King: 'New World' followed by the heavy thread of the infamous former marine X Drake.

"The midget gangster isn't coming ya!"

"Not that I care but why?" Kidd sneered as he began to inhale his beer.

The musician shrugged as he claimed his own seat "Something about misappropriated funds, someone did it before he got the chance and he's throwing a tantrum."

Law hummed happily as he filled out an order form for scalpels. "The Strawhats are late. Remind me to shambles the bastards for keeping us waiting."

Hawkins made a small noise and everyone immediately paused in their activities (gorging, guzzling, grooving and garnering vicious instruments.) to observe.

"Probability of the meeting portion necessitating rescheduling: 85% and rising." He raised a few cards with his optional straw appendages "Chance of new love: 95% and rising."

Kidd wiggled his eyebrows and shuffled closer.

"Not for me…or from me."

Kidd glowered and shifted back.

Drake sighed, long used to the obtuse nature of the magician. "So, what exactly does that mean then?"

Hawkins merely pointed towards the door just as the surprisingly ragged looking strawhat pirates burst in ahead of their captain…and they kept running.

"Hey guys!" Luffy shouted "Guess what? It's mothers day and my Mama is coming to celebrate. So duck and cover!"

The pirate king overturned a table and ducked down just as the Raging Sandstorm ripped the front off the tavern. Unfortunately for the others, only Hawkins succeeded in taking cover and the rest found themselves whirled through the air and their undergarments filled with sand.

"MUGIWARA!" the 'Lady' Crocodile bellowed as she took human shape. "MOTHER'S HOME AND SHE'S VERY DISAPPOINTED. WHO WANTS A SPANKING?"

Just before the rage-induced carnage commenced a shell-shocked, leather-clad Supernova took a moment to observe.

"Strawhat, your Mom is hot."


	10. Mary Sue and Her Vastly Superior Coterie

**Prompt:** Mary-Sue accidentally takes a group of people along with her. Unfortunately for her that group turns out to be much more bearable, personable and useful than her.

A/N: Multi-crossover, just for kicks and lulz. Incomplete, I just lost inspiration and honestly forgot where I was going with this.

This story began in the middle of a bustling metropolis in a moderately sized and rather successful coffeehouse that was _definitely_ _not_ a Starbucks. This coffee shop could be in any large city in the world; New York, London, Rome. Wherever you think this 'girl' could or should be found.

It's probably not relevant but this lovely little business has a partnership with a wonderful bakery and sells the most _divine_ treats. Great drinks, great sandwich bar and the most delicious baked goods you could imagine. Naturally enough, lots of people came here to sample the wares. Perhaps it would have been better for 'Miss Sue' if this place had not been so popular. After all, it's hard to stand out in a crowd.

[~~~~]

It was a Friday morning when the anomaly opened up in space and transported not one but unusually four separate individuals out from the top of the line in the Coffee shop. This included a member of staff working the till, a university student who was buying a tray of coffee to share with some friends, a well-dressed businesswoman who appeared to be approaching middle-age and a strangely colourful teenage (?) girl that periodically sighed and talked to herself.

The dark-skinned student had given the girl a cursory look to make sure she wasn't using a hands-free telephone kit or singing along to her MP3 player before putting a few judicious spaces between them.

The staff member was more concerned with doing his job. (What a sensible man, really admirable.)

The business woman (well, she was wearing a flattering suit and reading a folded up copy of The Financial Times) was there for a large cup of the special and one of those perfectly baked brownie squares. She had given the teenage a measured expression of disapproval but made no move to address the girl judging the possible mental instability to be none of her business whatsoever.

Thus we have established how _misunderstood_ Mary-Sue is. Oh, that poor child! If only there was someone who could understand this young beauty and her unusual but _special_ characteristics. She is scorned and derided by complete and utter strangers who had absolutely no interest in her, beyond the common sensibility of 'don't-stand-too-close-to-that-crazy-person-or-that-guy-who-smells-of-something-funny'.

[~~~~]

Mary-Sue had three lines of thought:

'Cute' boys.

Her own romantic aspirations.

How no-one understood/appreciated her 'special-ness'

Right now she was feeling somewhat miffed that the older boy in front of her had paid no heed of her soulful eyes and was currently giving her a view of the back of his coat which, most unfortunately in her opinion, covered his rear completely thus giving her nothing to look at as far as she was concerned. Mary Sue sighed deeply and dramatically (for the fifth time in the last five minutes) as she wished with all of her soul that she could go somewhere that she would be _truly_ appreciated. A place full of attentive and/or attractive young men where they would notice her beauty, her talents and her secretly hidden powers. (She just _knew_ she had them.)

She sighed once more and twined a strand of her completely natural multi-coloured hair around her finger before tilting her hips in a way which would show off her enviable figure. (Slim, trim and a _generous_ bust line naturally!) It was at times like this that her heart longed for someone that could understand her….whoa, déjà vu. Anyway, someone who would appreciate her like she obviously deserved and would support her while she soared high on glittery, angelic wings, scattering searing white feathers in her wake. Someone like, someone like….Roronoa Zoro!

Okay, he wasn't real but he'd be sooooooooo perfect for her! That scowl. That frequently displayed and utterly lickable body. That grumpy disposition just looking for someone to understand him! (The author would like to take this moment to point out that she does not wish to oversimplify one Mr. Zoro but she does not want to get to close to this female for reasons of personal safety.) She squeed to herself while swearing her eternal love to the (fictional) pirate. The woman behind her took a deliberate step back and looked at her askance.

Mary-Sue sighed to herself and played with the collar of her skimpy shirt, pulling it down to show off more cleavage. She'd join the crew to be with Zoro and his loyalty to her would supersede that of his crew. Sanji'd get jealous of course and maybe she'd flirt with him a little but he dressed oddly and had a funny looking eyebrow so Zoro would beat him up and they'd be forced to leave. Luffy would be furious with Sanji because he'd accepted her as a sister. Instead she'd go on a journey with Zoro to meet her adopted brother Ace.

They'd run into all sorts of people along the way. Shanks would realise she was actually his long lost daughter that he had sent away for her own safety. Trafalgar Law and Eustass Kidd would fight over her and Ace would get involved until she put an end to it and they bowed out for the sake of her happiness.

Mary-Sue giggled inanely to herself and began to drool as she began to map out her plan for domination of the world of One Piece.

[~~~~~]

In Japan, one Eiichiro Oda blinked as he thought he felt a chill run down his spine.

[~~~~~]

The anomaly was completely unexpected (as rips in the fabric of space and time usually are.) The gaping maw opened in the middle of the coffee shop and Mary-Sue threw her hands up to her mouth screaming in terror as the (suspiciously tentacle-like) tendrils of black matter stretched out and surrounded the girl (?). Unfortunately for the perfectly normal and upstanding members of society in her vicinity they were lassoed too.

Mary-Sue gasped dramatically and tears gathered on her long, lustrous lashes. (Although how anyone would want lustrous eyelashes instead of hair is beyond me) "NO! Take me instead!" she shouted dramatically. (Even though this made no sense seeing as all four of them had been grabbed simultaneously.) The cashier winced at her shrill tone and the businesswoman looked at her incredulously. The student, turning to leave with his tray of coffees and packet of pastries blinked in surprise at the familiar appendages and the great looming eye that had opened in the roof of the shop. He only had a chance to briefly wonder why it seemed to resemble the gate (to an unreasonable degree) from the animation he'd watched with his brother a few weeks back before he was swallowed up by the gaping darkness.

Within a few moments the four individuals were gone. The remaining customers stared at the spot for a moment before casually reforming the line. Another staff member took over the till while one of the employees manning the pastry display did the sensible thing and contacted the emergency services for 'unnatural occurrences/acts of god/holes in reality'

It wasn't the hole in existence that was troubling so much as the fact that it had abducted four human beings.

[~~~~]

It was an ordinary day for the Straw-hat pirates. That is to say, about as calm and orderly as it could ever get on the ship of infamous and powerful pirates. Thus, they were mildly perturbed when a black hole of tentacles opened up in midair and deposited four people on the immaculately tended lawn of the _Thousand Sunny_.

Two females and two males. Three adults and one teenager. One looking surprised but thrilled. Three looking bewildered but seriously pissed off.

There was an awkward silence for a moment before the darker man turned to the man in an apron and spoke. "You know, if I'd taken a sip of these coffees I could probably feel free to blame you for spiking the beverages."

"That would be very unprofessional." The man replied "It wouldn't explain the shared aspect of the hallucinations anyway."

The woman smoothed the fabric of suit as she righted herself and smiled minutely. "I noticed you didn't deny that it is a legitimate possibility Mr. Coffeeshop."

"Hoi! Don't say things like that in front of my customers you old bitch!"

The woman merely laughed unrepentedly and picked up her Financial Times.

Mary-Sue was surprised that these old and ugly people had been brought along but there must be a reason. To play the 'straight man' she supposed or, even more likely, to stand against her and her love. Speaking of which….

[~~~~]

Sanji sighed and lit up a new cigarette as he exited the galley. He frowned over to where he could see Zoro staring down to the lower deck. Sanji, being an expert in marimos, could see from the terse set of his shoulders so he aimed a kick at them.

Zoro casually blocked and nodded in greeting.

"What's got you so wound up, Marimo?"

"Four people just appeared out of mid-air."

"Ah, I see…wait what?"

Zoro pointed towards the group on the deck. The older trio seemed to be cautiously examining their surroundings in honest confusion but the youngest girl was staring at him with huge watery eyes. The swordsman was pointedly refusing to meet her eyes.

"And yet this isn't the weirdest thing I've seen on the Grand Line." He lowered his voice "what's with the girl? Did she get caught in a Seaking or something? The others are dressed for winter island weather but hers are barely there."

Sanji frowned "Don't talk about ladies like that you shit-head."

Zoro gave the cook a perplexed look. "Shouldn't you be crying 'Mellorine' and doing that spin dance thing right now? That response lacked your usual vigour."

Sanji puffed and looked shifty before leaning in to quietly mutter "I'm not entirely sure that's a woman yet. 'She' feels _off_ somehow."

"Well, she's been giving me a creepy look since she got here. Kind of like how Luffy looks at meat."

[~~~~]

Mary-Sue was thrilled. ZORO! The love of her life was there. This couldn't be any better. Unfortunately he was on the other side of the ship and seemed quite determined to stay there. No worries though, she had plenty of time to introduce herself now.

She started from her reverie to find the old lady in the suit giving her a funny look. "What?" She started back, a little unnerved. Was the older woman jealous of her youth and beauty? "What is it?" she whimpered "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Hmm, Oh sorry dear. I didn't mean to stare." The older woman smiled reassuringly "But I was wondering just what happened to your clothes. They were mostly fine before…whatever that was."

"She had a point there you know." The man who had been manning the till commented "The worst you could say about the rest of us is that we're looking a bit windswept. _You_ look like you picked a fight with a lawnmower."

"And lost." The woman cheerfully added "Oh, it's not your fault but it is rather strange."

There were a few scattered snickers from the pirates. The student, who was still holding a tray of coffees smothered a laugh and patted the younger girl on the shoulder feeling sorry for her. (Mary-Sue immediately assumed he was in love with her and welled up with tears because she would have no choice but to break his heart. Oh, cruel fates!)

"I think we can agree that this is real so why don't we introduce ourselves and decide what to do."

"That'd be a good idea." Franky stepped forward "It seems to me that this wasn't intentional and that you all mean no harm."

('Aside from the pitying looks the weird girl keeps giving me')

Mary-Sue turned grateful wet eyes upon the cyborg as the others (having noticed the Jolly Roger and plethora of weapons) thanked him politely.

"Well, I'll go first then shall I?" The man with the apron shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets. "My name is Branklin. I'm the owner and barista of _Coffee A.A._ From where we were…'abducted' by the entity."

"But why were you working in the shop if you own it?" Mary-Sue burst in.

Branklin cocked his head and gave her a look of disbelief before shaking his head and indicating that the well-dressed woman should go next.

"I've known Branklin and his family for many years…" She began "Just call me Harris."

"First or last names?" Usopp interrupted.

Harris simply smiled in an undeniably sultry manner and said no more. (Sanji _did_ mellorine to this. Ah, the charms of the mature lady!)

The student (If you've ever been to a university, you'll understand the look he had that let you know this. Something in his manner of dress, how he stood – he _looked_ like a student) had very dark skin. The sort of shade that was far closer to black than brown letting his white teeth leap put from his face. "I'm John. I'm a graduate student looking to go into medical research."

Mary Sue pouted and pressed a hand to her (ample) chest and was interrupted by John.

"Look, do you want to borrow my coat?"

She blinked "What?"

"Well, your clothes are shredded although I'm not really sure just how you managed to do that."

Harris nodded "Oddity aside, it's really inappropriate. It's very kind of John to offer."

Mary-Sue reeled back. This was _her_ body. How dare they? Fascists! She scowled and turned her back on John and the coat he offered her. He shared an exasperated look with the other adults.

Nami rolled her eyes in disgust and snapped her fingers. "Listen you, put on the damn coat before we put you off the boat. It's not exactly the time for nonsense."

Mary-Sue sneered at Nami and jerked on the woollen coat, buttoning it up when Harris arched a brow in her direction. She should have known that money-grubbing bitch would be jealous of her spectacular body.

Robin glanced at Mary-Sue briefly before turning to the clearly more reasonable individuals. "So, you seem to have been the victims of some sort of dimensional anomaly although the youngest member of your company is the only one that seems to have come close to a violent and unpleasant death."

John shifted the tray of coffees, that he had miraculously managed to hang onto, and shrugged "Actually, we're not even really acquainted. We're just the four people at the top of the queue in the shop."

"Actually," Harris spoke up "that's not wholly correct there John. Branklin and I have known each other…professionally, for many years now."

Mary-Sue, who was getting more and more testy as the conversation went on, sneered at the older woman (and as sneers go, it was ridiculously pathetic and childish) and crossed her arms under her breasts to emphasise the re-exposed cleavage. "Professionally, huh? I can only imagine what a tramp like you gets up to."

Putting aside the fact that Mary-Sue was dressed, in all honesty, like a tart even before the freak occurrence, and that Madame Harris was dressed like a respectable (and classy) member of society this was utterly uncalled for. Adding to that, the fact that Harris had not actually done anything to deserve such reactions, Mary-Sue was well out of line. The appalled looks the people around her supported this but, dear reader, that is oddly not the problem that arises from this ill-thought and childish action. The new problem is that, while this woman has done her admirable best to deal with this unsettling and sanity-challenging situation she is actually at the end of her tether.

Branklin tsked and shook his head in disgust. "You'll deserve it you know" he advised Mary-Sue.

Mary-Sue for her part was busy trying not to flinch and keep her eyes on the barrel of the gun pointed between her eyes.

Harris smiled and tightened her grip on the trigger "Little barely-dressed Miss" she purred "It is turning out to be a rather difficult day and if you continue to aggravate me then I'm afraid you'll have to be added to the heap."

Mary-Sue whimpered in fear. Why wasn't anyone helping her? Surely the Straw-Hat Pirates wouldn't stand for this sort of thing? Well, unfortunately for Miss Sue, they were Pirates and each and every one of them, at one time or another, had actually killed someone. While they weren't the sort to attack or kill someone for no reason, by their standards Mary-Sue had started a fight with Harris and by extension accepted all of the extenuating circumstances that go along with it. In short, you don't shoot a Sea-King unless you're prepared to be bitten.

"Bu-But, you can't do this!" she wailed "It's wrong, it's unjust. Somebody HELP ME!" The girl burst into tears and Harris winched at the sound before drawing her gun back.

Robin hummed in amusement before turning her gaze to their male visitors "I notice you're not particularly perturbed by acts of violence towards a young girl."

"You make that sound really dubious." Branklin frowned "She clearly picked a fight. A lesser or more violent individual would have already killed the brat. I don't know how she was raised but you don't speak to your elders like that unless you have a death wish."

"To be fair" Harris smiled "My Son-in-Law would have already killed her."

Branklin snorted "That's Xanxus. He's never been the sort to settle for any disrespect."

John shrugged "Well, would you instinctively expect anything different from Mafia?"

Branklin and Harris immediately answered "No, not really."

Mary-Sue blinked. Something familiar tugged on her mind. Did she know this? There was something…no, it didn't matter. What she did know for sure was that these apparent strangers were all Mafioso and that shouldn't fit into One Piece.

"I thought you didn't know each other." She accused from her sprawl on the deck.

"Not personally." John assured her "I only know of Madame Harris by her colourful reputation. I'm associated with some support divisions of Vongola. I've worked with Trident Shamal. Mr. Branklin is not actually an active member of any faction but his family are known for their poison cooking."

Sanji looked horrified and began snarling. Branklin winced at that expression. "I'm a Barista. I only use those skills to protect myself and my allies. I don't like to waste good food."

Luffy hadn't any input for the moment but he had decided that the old lady was really, really cool.

"Okay, let's sum up." Zoro made his way across the grassy deck. "You three are..Mafioso, what is that anyway?"

"Organised crime." Harris admitted "I do many things for Varia (My youngest daughter is married to a member) and Vongola but I am, in essence, a hitman."

"Have you ever worked with Reborn? I've always wondered what he's like." John idly asked.

"I have. He's enormously skilled and in all honesty, really, really cool." She laughed "I have good all round skills but I'm primarily a sharp shooter."

"Lovely lady your skills are most impressive." Sanji gushed. "A woman who can defend herself is nothing but admirable."

Harris smiled and accepted the compliment in the intended spirit leaving Sanji to mellorine away happily before turning to Mary-Sue "Now, let's move on. Care to introduce yourself Miss?"

Mary-Sue drew herself up, managing to display an impressive amount of flesh despite the voluminous folds of the borrowed coat. (Pretty impressive considering it was comfortably loose on a man a foot taller and fairly broad on the shoulders.) "My name" she began as if beginning a truly grandiose statement "is **MARY SUE**." She blinked and paused. That was not what she was going to say at all! This was One Piece, she had to be someone of importance in this world – a relation of a Shichibukai, a Yonkou, a D for Gods sake. But something had stopped her from saying it.

"Mary-Sue, huh?" Luffy scratched his rear indifferently "Well, it's really nice to meet you guys? What was that tentacle mystery hole thing?"

The others didn't seem to notice anything unusual but John had muffled a snicker at her introduction because Post-graduate researching deadly diseases he may be but the man was genre-savvy and acquainted with TV Tropes.

While Mary-Sue pondered the mystery of what had prevented her from giving a proper introduction the others channelled their energies into contemplating the nature of the anomaly and what could be done to reverse it. (I'll save you the extensive technical theorizing – nothing within anyones power, they were stuck.)

=BREAK=

Robin was fairly 'trope-savvy' as they say and was thus unsurprised to see Miss 'Mary-Sue' appear. She was travelling with several attractive and charismatic young men. Those 'females' tended to appear every now and then. She had seen one when she was with Crocodile (Who had swiftly 'hooked' the girl/lizard/whatever she professed to be.) What was interesting though was that something seemed to…thwart the girl and it was somehow associated with the individuals that had been caught up in her transport.

What was particularly interesting though, was that they seemed to be legitimately skilled in their own right.

Harris, a confessed hitman, seemed to pull an unusual variety of custom-made pistols out of nowhere. When she fought, it seemed as though a strange aura surrounded her. Plus, she was an educated and intelligent woman, not to mention a scintillating conversationalist. Robin did so enjoy her.

Branklin proved to be an excellent chef and had taught Sanji how to improve his coffee recipes ad well as sharing the advanced techniques of 'latte art'. Despite Sanjis fairly legitimate misgivings, his 'poison cooking' was useful and judiciously applied. It worked particularly well on kairouseki cuffs so they were glad to have it.

John, she noticed, didn't discuss the particulars of the research he planned to pursue (even if she could accurately guess) but nevertheless was extremely well educated in medicine. Offensively, he seemed to pull scalpels out of nowhere and throw them with unerring accuracy and force. Chopper was familiar with the technique.

They were useful and cordial allies. Their 'Mafia' background leaving them jaded to a lot of the strange things that seemed to happen. Mary-Sue on the other hand really shouldn't have been on the Grand Line at all.

=BREAK=

Mary-Sue was frustrated beyond belief. Sure, she was on the Thousand Sunny, in the company of the Straw-hat Pirates and all but nothing was going as she planned.

Zoro wouldn't pay her any attention! She had gotten herself banned from the gym within a day and Nami wouldn't lend her any clothes! She had to make do with old things from Usopp or Luffy but the second time after 'improving' the outfits to something more flattering she had been warned by the sniper that she'd get no more if she continued to destroy them.

It made no sense whatsoever! Even _Sanji_ of all people avoided her, practically freaking out if she came near him and wailing about Okamas….what was an Okama anyway?

Worse still, no devil fruit had come her way nor had her Haki awakened. In fact, it seemed that the old woman was the only one who seemed to have anything of the sort. Mary shuddered. Such a violent and terrible old hag she was. Pointing a gun at her whenever she said anything.

They were beginning to talk about dumping her at an island soon. This wasn't how it was supposed to go at all…

A/N:

Found this in the back of a folder long after I lost my inspiration. In short, a quasi-Reborn crossover with some minor but accomplished Vongola associates being drawn along with Mary-Sue. Their presence simply disrupts all Sue powers to a hilarious degree and sets up a Fail!field around the girl.

It particularly hurts as seeing as they get on much better with everyone they meet by dint of basic manners and being generally polite and friendly while Sue is left out in the cold more often than not.

Then there is the fact that they're all reasonably skilled with sharp-shooting, poison cooking, field medicine and throwing really sharp knives at their enemies.

I couldn't decide whether to go the ROFL route or make Sue grow into an actual human being but then I decided WTH, she's established as being not really human in the first place. Some sort of dimensional parasite ala Doctor Who rather than a real girl thrown into One Piece.

OMAKE:

The portal was slightly blue and blurred at the edges but it was clear enough that they could see where it led. Not that they recognised the destination but it did seem to end up in a town or city. Somewhere with red brick buildings and concrete footpaths at any rate.

The two that had stumbled backwards through it were of more importance anyway. The older woman had gotten to her feet first, scrambling out from underneath the dead weight scowling and rubbing her shoulder, the girl seemed to be in a swoon. 'Seemed' being the operative word here because as soon the older woman nudged her with her shoe she had swatted the offending appendage away and gotten up.

Marco was eyeing the portal with a jaundiced idea with a certainty that it was not a good thing. Thatch probably should have been helping inspect it but he was too busy eyeing up the women with suspicion. They could say, with a reasonable degree of expertise, that females who arrived through mysterious means were generally trouble.

The old man looked torn between amusement and simply tossing them off the ship but kept a weather eye on all. If he wasn't completely at ease, then whatever it was, was worth watching.

The older woman seemed apprehensive and not a little frightened of the crew but had turned her attention to the portal. The girl however had turned to the crew and was giving Ace and ill-disguised look. (Ace, sadly for her, did not appreciate her admiration seeing as she was far too young for his specific tastes having a particular fetish for older women, and the motherly type.)

At a signal from Whitebeard, Marco carefully approached the older woman noticing her tense posture and obvious fear (considering the amount of guns and swords on display it was nothing short of respectable common sense) before engaging her in conversation/casual interrogation.

The girl edged closer to Ace, who edged away and was giving the older woman a contemplative look.

Vista leaned in to Thatch "What do you think?"

Thatch hummed and rubbed his chin "Nice curves, look at that balance. Nothing like authenticity when it comes to a womans body. The girl however, she's too skinny so those boobs _must _be fake."

"That's…not what I was referring to at all." Vista sighed

Whatever they had talked about, Marco seemed to have put the older of women at her relative ease and settled whatever he had sought to investigate.

"I'm sorry" she addressed the girl (whom Thatch insisted had fake breasts) "but seeing as we met when you simply decided to 'faint' on top of me I didn't get your name."

The teenager whirled round and placed a dramatic hand on her chest "Of course, how careless of me baachan!"

The woman mouthed "Baachan" with a displeased look and an expression that said she knew it was insulting in some way even if she didn't know what it meant.

"You may call me Marianne-Susan…"

"Your name is Mary-Sue" the woman interjected incredulously

Marianne stamped her foot "I wasn't finished" she pouted.

The older woman snickered "No wait, don't tell me. You're descended from royalty or great heroes or something. You're the heir to some long lost dynasty." She burst into full infectious laughter "You've got some sort of special ability or magic weapon too. I'd put money on there being a reverse-harem somewhere in there."

Marianne blinked "How do you know so much about me?"

"Seriously?" the other woman gave her a baffled stare before shrugging and holding up her hand palms out "Alright then, I'm out."

Whitebeard had to interject at this point "What?"

"I said I'm out. I have nothing to do with this nor do I want to" she strolled over to the portal "You're all grown men and women and no responsibility of mine."

She climbed through the portal and didn't turn back until she was safely on the other side. She waved to Marco and nodded to the others before walking down the street and disappearing.

Jozu voiced his approval "Sensible woman."

Several others nodded and Ace pulled his arm free from Marianne before putting a question to Marco "Think we can shove this one through too?"


End file.
